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Lost & Found
Thoughts & Wanderings....
August 19, 2011Midway along the journey of our life I woke to find myself in a dark wood, For I had wandered off from the straight path.How hard it is to tell what it was like, This wood of wilderness, savage and stubborn (the thought of it brings back all of my old fears),a bitter place! Death could scarce be bitterer. But if I would show the good that came of it I must talk about things other than the good.How I entered there I cannot truly say, I had become so sleepy at the moment When I first strayed, leaving the path of truth-- Dante, The Inferno, I. 1-12, pg. 76Welcome to my brain and my blog. It can be a strange, unreasonable place at times*many times*-curious and winding-but I hope you will find it honest and inviting if not amusing. I am a big believer in the process; this journey we all find ourselves on. Whether we are in the morning of love, the conundrum of pain or the stillness of space, we are in fact invited into something beautifulthe journey. We can judge it up and down and sideways or we can walk through it plainly, with the people we love and a God who goes before us. Either way, the journey continues, gently calling us to more. I love that passage from The Inferno as it reminds me that any beauty and redemption I have experienced along the way must dare ask the question: How? The answer to that question nearly always includes getting lostDecember 28th, 2011 grown ups and garden parties...Around the end of the year, after all the hoopla of Christmas has slowly come and quickly gone, I take my annual introvert holiday. It's when work allows me to have some time off and i can stay in my pi's way too late, drink coffee and read all the half finished books and such I have started throughout the year and P.S.I NEVER finish. However, the few that I do always lend inspiring insight and often difficult wisdom. So today was one of those days ...is I should say...one of those glorious days of self indulgent nerdiness. While doing some light reading in John of the Cross' Dark night of the soul-a fog lifter and game changer for the melancholic in all of us, I am caught asking myself this question: am I willing to grow... up? Lately here, I'm coming to understand a whole new gospel of grace. John of the Cross calls it "Passive Grace"-one that transforms vice into virtue and leaves the defiant, petulant child in the corner for a long while, staring at her new shiny Christmas toys [off limits.] I'm picturing Eloise in the Plaza -sentenced to the maid's quarters -folding towels when FAO Schwartz has just vomited in her suite. Or maybe i'm just thinking of me. :)It's a little scary at this point along the journey as I search for grace and am unsure if i'm willing and open to see the dark nights as His perfect plan for my life and future. It's not that i'm scared of God, it's more that I'm scared of growing up in Him. I love that scene in the movie "Amazing Grace" when Wilberforce is enjoying a lovely spring day gazing at the beauty of nature all around him. The intricate veins of a budding leaf; the variations of floral glory; the fanciful insects and butterflies who have joined him in partaking. He is close to his Maker and enjoying the gifts of His goodness.This is where he wants to stay and why the heck not!? I'm a lifelong and avid observer for better or for worse. I love to watch people interact, especially when it's awkward. I love to listen to my rambunctious and opinionated family bicker at the dinner table when we are all in town. Even more, laughing as they cringe at my frustrating deflections of bad humor every now and again. I could sit and stare at something beautiful or sacred or haunting for hours-just taking it in and filling my senses to the brim. I see all the different faces of God this way and begin to wrap my head around His Greatness. This is apparent grace to me and it is indeed amazing.However, what happens when His grace looks different? What happens when the garden party is over?? To beat my dying movie analogy to death for the sake of being consistent, I'll refer to William. He was needed elsewhere for something specific...something big. He had been given so much strength of character steeped in the goodness of God's very unique relationship with him. The invitation called him to carry out justice and freedom and so to silence the grueling cries of a tortured race. He, unwilling at best, agreed.I'm pretty sure i'll never grace history books ever, but I am certain I will receive the invitation to "more" everyday. As Paul writes in Ephesians 4, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. " The chapter goes on to describe maturity in the fullness of Christ- to "grow up into Him, who is the Head, that is, Christ." (v.15). We have all seen dark nights along the way. It's one of the inevitabilities of life according to scripture. For me, the petulant child within begs for an explanation, "Why has my loving Father and maker turned and looked the other way!!!???!?" Passive grace, that annoying house guest, answers in the stillness of that dark and hopeless night "I am with you and this is my love for you. To trust, to grow and to mend." Not the answer I want. It feels like pouring peroxide over a fresh and gaping wound that hurts like hell and looks dreadful. I want to hang out in the gluttony of my own garden party, eating too many cucumber sandwiches and tea cakes! And I also want to be a grown up! I love the Psalms for many reasons, but one in particular today: they delve right into the complexity and duplicity of our souls. Ps. 42 for example: "Why so downcast o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." We keep repeating the same old questions and complaints yet praising and recognizing Him as Savior all at once. And so, as i wrap up my circular pondering about all this and hope to God I have not completely killed your Holiday buzz, I hold closely to these truths:1) My God is so gracious and loving, He waits for me to see His goodness in the darkness and He smiles at the slow and wobbly steps I take towards Him. 2) This new and seemingly indirect grace John of the Cross speaks of is perhaps the most intimate of all. To rest in the Omniscience of Love while hearing the shrill screams of our heart is to know and trust beyond the veneer of preference.3)There will always be gardens along the way-we were made for the garden and His Presence calls us there throughout eternity.
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