11/08/2011
I knew my boyfriend had prepared something for my birthday, and last night, I was too excited to go to bed. I am always excited to see Ryan, and I woke up at 6 am because I just couldn't wait. Once my phone rang out 9:30, I started my bath; pamper treatment in the morning: pedicure, face masque. I always try to make myself look good for Ryan; I wouldn't want to embarrass him. Of course I got a text, saying that he will be late. Surprised? Not really, decided I have to get used to it. In the end, he does make it up to me, when he gets here. I had some ideas of where he's taking me, but I didn't know for sure. It turned out; we went boat rowing in Regent's Park. When we went there in May, we found this gorgeous path, with fountains, and tulips of all colours (they're my favourite). Anyways, even though it was raining, we had so much fun on these boats. Neither of us knew how to row, so for ten minutes we were going round in circles. We did go over our time, but the Polish guy didn't mind. Ryan made some nice chicken sandwiches for us, and we had a chocolate cake. He started singing happy birthday to me, but I had to wait to blow out the candle, until we got home. My hubby knows me so well; he took me to the theatre. We had so much fun. That's really all I can tell about our date today. There was more, and let's just say, that it was great.
15/08/11
I keep it hard to keep my diary up to date. I was never able to do that. I only write when I have a problem, I dont write about my daily life. I kept a diary of every fight that me and my boyfriend had. Instead of talking it out, I poured all of the negative emotions, taking my anger out on him. When I realised, that this particular diary was the cause of our fights, (we lacked communication), and I tore it up, and threw it in the bin. Never again have I written about our fights. However, I think it can be justified, that I write my problems in my diary. My emotions, when Im sad. So here goes.
Yesterday, me and Ryan realised that we have about a month left, before he leaves for university. Im staying in London, because even though I have a job, Im saving up for a student exchange next year. I cant be depended on my parents, and even If I could be, I wouldnt want to. It hit me really hard. I thought that I got over the fact that hes leaving, but thinking about our situation, I didnt. I dont think about it every day like I used to, but yesterday when it hit me again, I couldnt stop crying for two hours. I trust him; Im not worried that hes going to cheat on me. Im scared, however, of our last day together. Im scared that Im going to fall to the last position on his priority that hes going to prefer to hang out with his new friends, rather than come to London for a weekend, to see me. Its not even the time were going to be apart. Throughout the two years weve been together, Ryan was always my top priority. When Im in a relationship, I try to put 100% of effort in it. One of my other worries is that
he will try drugs. I have this thing about drugs, even the mildest ones like cannabis, I just cant stand them. I will never try them, and I despise of people who go near them. I know how they can mess with your mind. I used to go out with this guy, and he used to smoke cannabis constantly. Maybe that was the reason, why he didnt treat me very nice. Thats why I said to myself, that no matter how much a guy loved me, if he touched drugs, I would break up with him. Instantly. Like I said, I trust Ryan, and I know, he wouldnt touch drugs on his own. However, the influence and pressure from friends is a very powerful thing.
Im also worried that were going to lose our intimacy. Right now, were in a place, where were comfortable with each other. I dont know how its going to be, once he leaves. Im thinking, whether the embarrassment will take over. Is he still going to find me attractive like he does now? What about privacy? I just cant picture us lying on the bed, in his room, snogging. Unless I stay in a hotel.
I hope that we will be able to pull through this. I still think, its harder for me, because hes leaving me. Im going to go through places, which we have been to, where we kissed, and laughed, fought, where he comforted me. Ryan doesnt have pictures of us framed around his room, or an album on facebook, like most guys would. I do. Im going to be reminded of him on every step. I believe that we can make it through, but its going to be hard.
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