Once upon
a
Sleepytime
Anne Said/Fran Said
Anne said the fat one shouldn't be trusted.
Fran said the fat one should be given the benefit of the doubt.
This time Anne was right.
Anne said he city would be vibrant and alive.
Fran said the city would take all the life out.
This time Fran was right.
Needless to say:
No one could have predicted
The Flyiing Saliva Incident
Disappearing Trick
In an ongoing dialogue between me and my imaginary friend, it's been revealed that in fact, my friend is real and I am the imaginary one.
Needless to say, I feel devastated.
I've been sifting thru the documents for hours. I started way back at the beginning... hoping to find evidence to the contrary.
But unfortunately, there is none.
Only piles of paper insisting I burn them.
Dream #806 (recurring)
In the dark and without sound
you pass notes under the door
I struggle to make out the words
and even more to find the meaning
The feel of paper on the tips of my fingers startles me every time. I press them to my chest searching for a clue.
Ugly
Stupid
Pointless
Shutup!
Clingy.
Childish
Needy
Ridiculous
Pathetic
Delusional.
Just fucking ugly
I imagine
What they say
Dream 417
In a crowd, I see it all yellow and funny. Smiling and speechless, I point, giggle, then continue...
Afterward, the embrace smells like worn leather and cigarettes... soothing and oddly familiar.
Your beauty as startling as your obliviousness... I pull you aside and make my request.
Then finally... holding you there with limbs and lips...
you understand.
A Very Incomplete List of Accidents
Teeth knocked out by the need to shock her, the only way to get noticed
Clothes and limbs shredded by 30mph pavement...hanging by the door handle... really? still? nothing?
13 stitches trying to feel free .. a barefoot walk across a murky stream, broken bottles and things...
The cough that lived for 27 weeks in lungs trapped by the Chevy Vega, the Grand Prix, the Dodge Dart and endless packs of Golden Lights
The exploded girl-thing, 6 months long in pills and bed from that Irish Catholic guy
The back that broke and ruined his precious fucking Saturday at the beach
Choice of paternity
The stomach that burned a whole summer long for a wish that had to be seen and then forgotten
The empty account of it all
(to be continued....)
open only orange ones or
cranial car crashes can
drive defects deeper down
ornaments offered over
coffee create conflicts
divisions depression dismay...
Things Lost
The beautiful ache...
I wish I remembered
But I burned it,
I burned it... there isn't another.
I do recall this:
Losing it
Frantically searching all Summer...
Then frantically searching thru Fall
Freezing all Winter
Drinking for comfort.
Giving up.
Giving up
The knock in Spring
And then when I answered...
Does this belong to you?
I unclenched my hands
And nodded my head
I guess I remember enough :)
Minus (or a speck of dust)
Counting clocks and empty rooms
Flightless birds in orbit
It wasn't me
The vice clamps down
Hard upon the thought
The blood-rush
The seizing
A lower-aching shame
Slipped under the breath
And other radar
I know where I went wrong
I can't go back
Not there again
Where fragile snapped like a twig
So, I'll bury those shoes in the desert
And throw the crown in the sea
Just Start at the Beginning
The decision was made
For my benefit
There will be no mistaking
A whim
There will be gestures
But without meaning
The conclusion was jumped
Three shots were mugged
I fucked myself
Ringing
It is!
In my ears and solar plexus
Exactly 198 bells...
And counting
Underground
Chiming low
High and orbitting
Dissonance
Sing-song
The other language
Painful
Beautiful
The longer you listen
The more sense it makes
No Matter the Truth
I'd been hasty with precious things
It was a lot of ground to cover. I brought a shovel and fishing line... I'd made the mistake of having no map or compass but I've always been a landmark kind of girl anyway...
In 6000 feet of clay and dust
Under miles of ocean floor
In the hollow of a tree
On the farthest side of the steepest hill...
So many scattered pieces.
I tore myself apart ... but I gathered them all - and brought them back home.
One by beautiful one I held them, feeling it all.
I wiped the tears and vowed not to do that again.
What I Did On My Summer Vacation
Waved goodbye
Drank like a fish
Burned a hole
In my gut
In my heart
In my pocket
Slept all day
Cried all night
Tried to forget
Failed
Cursed the Spring
And miles of ocean
Burned myself
In the sun
At the stake
Right through
Cried all day
Puked all night
Then came Autumn
The Worst Feeling:
Not
Being
Good
Enough
The Best Feeling:
Caring
Anymore
Things Found
Coffee
Chocolates
Thai Food
Sandwiches
Pancakes
Wine
Songs
Breakfast
Hills
Cake
Guitar
Shoes
Tiara
Water
Leaves
Milk in the Batter
The Thing in the Room
A Beautiful Ache
Ohh! The Blue
Laughter
Affection
Inspiration
Desire
and
thank
Ned....
JOY
We used to say
Ah hell, we're young
But now we see
That life is sad
And so is love....
kate bush
What It Moves In Me Is Staggering
And
that's
all
I
am
at
liberty
to
say
Like Trees
It's never happened , if you can believe it.
I've never been on this side.
In all this time, not one of them...
It's never happened.
So, finally I risked it...
But was it really?
If I'd known
But, NOOOOOO :)
I suppose it's good
In the end
The balance
And understanding
I've met my match
And now I think
I can finally be trusted
The 12 Things (for Lo, Girl Detective)
Please note:
I can no longer eat eggs
I kill spiders and other home invaders - as opposed to transferring them outdoors
I don't have a side of the bed - I like the whole thing
I am not functional before coffee (unless in the case of emergency, then I'm good for no more than 90 minutes)
Breakfast for dinner because I don't actually eat breakfast
Guinness = preferred
I like to cook and I'm not too bad
I like to bake but I'm not too good
I haven't slept much since I was about 4
I am actually a little nuts
I don't want what you think I want
I probably want more
Sir, I am as bad as you are...
if not, worse :)
Control
Do you know that I have always referred to myself as a person without restraint or impulse control or patience....
But I've been sooo confused.
In real life I have AMAZING powers of self-control!!!
As it turns out, it's my level of desire that is worth remarking on .... now that really is out of hand :)
Fucckkkk.
Interview
Q: How long do you intend to put yourself thru this?
A: It isn't a choice
Q: Have you even had coffee??
A: Not even
Q: So, why go on giving to it ??
A: I don't intend to
Q: Are you really sure??
A: More than ever, but that doesn't mean a lot
Q: Are you just putting off the inevitable?
A: Of course.
Friends
I have so much more to say when I'm feeling low...
and lately I'm just not.
I'm resolved
In a very real way
To just let it unfold
My friend is my friend
On my side
Not too strange
Not so new
But good
Really good
The best ever :)
On the Other Hand...
I'm
kidding
there
is
no
other
hand
!
xoj
The Relapse
I say it like there has only been one.
But in fact, there have been many
In the holding down of things so deep.
The keeping in of sorrows
Pain sucks time
Like desert ground sucks water
It and I disappear inside
Dries my bones
Buries them with those shoes
And finds me back there
Searching
Head pounds
Thoughts fall out
Heart aches, and
Bleeds thru the skin
I burn myself alive inside
The high cost
Of feeling
Of weakness
Of me
Born of desire and rejection.
The things I love continue to refuse me
As I expect them to
And eggs... I can't eat eggs.
Is it fading or is it me?
The purple's kinda gray now
And I can't even tell where it used to be red
I think when I washed it the water was too hot.
Or maybe I left it in the sun too long
Remember when it was new?
I had no idea it was made only for show
I used it like it was real
My mistake.
Just What Happened
It feels good doesn't it?
To be where you are.
It's better.
You fucked up, yeah.
You learned and moved on.
Compassion helped.
I'm glad.
Compassion is always right.
You CAN be happy.
This is good.
And I'm happy for you.
You know that's so true.
But things still kinda suck over here.
And did I mention I can't eat eggs anymore?
ITS NOT A JOKE
Ok...so you've noticed. I'm obsessing over the fact that I can't have eggs.
Let me explain something. Over easy, scrambled.poached, soft-boiled... I couldn't care less.
BUT
in custard...and pudding... and all things creamy and delicious... it matters.
I am a serious custard junkie...
Flan, think of flan!!!
Think of creme brulee!!!
Ohh...sighhhh ... tears....
Do you see?
