Crazy Carl Robinson
c Pictures by intangibleARTS
crazy carl robinson is (somewhat) reformed and lives in iowa where he does whatever the nuns tell him to do.after twelve, long years, he finally received his ph.d. in english literature..he never missed a party..his advice for the kids: if youre gonna drink n drive, dont forget your car
- Carl Robinson is like 7-Up: never had it and never will.
- Graffiti on a bathroom wall from 1989
-Your writing is as important to this world as that tree out there.
- Mama (pointing to a tree out there).
- In summation, this book feels like the literary equivalent of those weird friends you would tolerate in hanging around in grade school despite not liking them much; you have no idea why you put up with them in the first place, but you did until you finally were able to separate from them at some point and let them blossom into the jock/bully/asshole they were destined to be.
- From a review in Razorcake Magazine
Sisyphus Press
P.O. Box 10495
State College, PA 16805-0495
carlrob_earthlink.net
LOVE PUNCH
whenever julie and i fought, i would usually wind up taking my shirt off and daring her to hit me...i would grab hold of one of my own rolls of fat and tell her that she was too thin and rich to be seen with someone who was as fat and poor as me....she would take her sweetlilbaby fists and hit me in the stomach as hard as she could.....the next day i would have 7 tiny bruises across my waist and i would be stoked beyond belief....that meant that fattys girl loved him enough to beat the shit out of him.....actually the bruises didnt really hurt and they served as proof that i was indeed in a real relationship with a real girl.....as an added bonus i got to be the abused victim as well....julie would say that i really didnt need her to be there at all and that i had worked out this whole fantasy scenario in my head without ever even asking her opinion or permission....she never told me that she loved me....she said that i was her best friend and that she had learned more from me than anyone else in the world....i told her that because of the self-hatred, my brain had shut my body down....i told her that by letting me touch her she had re-introduced me to a body that was dead.....i would sit on the couch for hours licking her waist and belly-button and telling her how no girl could ever replace her....for the first time in my entire life i wasnt faking it....i loved being her slave.....i loved letting shit that had been pent up inside me come out....thats kinda why i cant believe she is gone....we touched originality.....she was the primary, original woman----genesis of all things sexy, mysterious and feminine....why wouldnt she wanna be my goddess ?....according to all those books i was supposed to have read over the last 12 years this should have been the real fucking deal
MAMA AND THE FLOOD
while im half-assed on the subject, i might as well tell you a story that involves my mama and my most memorable hiking experience.....i had decided one summer to go hiking to a place in the shenandoah national park called dark hollow falls....the routine usually involved rolling some fat joints and searching for grateful dead chicks that thought maggie was cute, but not this time.....my mom had just had her gall bladder removed like a week earlier and she insisted on going....we hiked roughly 10 miles uphill and finally reached the waterfalls around 5:30 p.m.....my mom was starting to look a little pale and the prime time bitchin had begun.....the map we had showed a smaller trail that followed the river back down the canyon to our car.....although i had never hiked this specific trail, i suggested to her that we hike it in order to save a little time.....the trail was fine for the 1st mile but then it just ended abruptly....i had been in ohio all winter and had forgotten that this area of virginia had had some rather severe flooding which had washed many of the trails away.....if we turned around and went back, then there would be no way that we could make it back to the car before nightfall....we had no food, no flashlight and no extra clothing either....the trail got worse and worse the farther we went....my 55-year-old mother was climbing over boulders that were bigger than cars and through woods that resembled vietnam in the summertime.....i had bruises up and down my body already, and blood was streaming down both of my legs from the briars and thorn bushes.....i kept rushing down the mountain because i knew she would be starting to lose her shit pretty soon....i got a few hundred yards in front of her before i noticed that she was sitting on a rock in the middle of the stream.....i went back and asked her if she was alright and she responded by saying that she always knew that i was trying to kill her....her arms and legs were black with bruises and she was bleeding more than me.....i talked her into moving but it was pretty obvious that she was out of her head....she would tell me at times to go on because she just knew that it was her time to die.....she would climb out on a ledge and tell me that she was just gonna jump.....at other times, she would say shit that i couldnt understand---like she was fucking speaking in tongues to the babyjesus or something....i kept reassuring her that we were going the right way and that we would soon be there if we just kept moving....it was getting much darker and i was starting to worry about getting out myself....she told me how her brothers used to lock her in the root cellar when she was a lil girl and about how much she hated the dark....maggie, who never left my side for any reason, walked next to her because she sensed how really scared my mom was....my mom started sobbing and i had to swallow my tongue and tell her how that i was sure that the babyjesus would deliver us.....we had almost made it to the bottom when we saw this old hippie dude and what i presume were his two teenage kids....my mom was incredibly relieved until she saw that they were smoking a bowl....she refused their offers to help us or to take food from them because they were drug addicts who might come knock us in the head because they were high....i knew that we were almost home but my mom continued to remind me that i had no idea what i was doing.....she said that she should have never listened to me and that i had never known what i was doing.....we finally made it to the car around 9 pm.....we were both covered with blood and bruises and she told the babyjesus that she would never go anywhere with me again.....my cuts healed and my bruises went away in about three weeks.....her physical pain still cant be measured by modern medicine and the emotional scars will last a lifetime (or at least until the next time we go hiking)
THE BUTTMAN
while were on the subject, I think Ill tell you about my favorite ecstacy night of all times.it involves nootie, me, and 3 girls (2 of which wound up with my middle fingers stuck up their butts at the same time).sound good?---oh, it surely was..the story takes place about 3 years ago at the height of nooties drug days..he came to kent with about $1000 worth of ecstacy on him looking to get everybody he saw high..it just so happened that the colonel was having a party that night ( I invited south dakota, but of course, they stood me up) so we got fucked up here and then decided to turn the motherfucker out..i dont remember many of the particulars either---just a trace memory of me being down in the colonels basement with some sluts from youngstown.if youve never been to y-town, I dont think my description could ever do it justice---mafiaosos, burned-out factories, and crackwhores who elect james traficant to congress year in and year out..this italian girl I knew who commuted from youngstown to kent state had brought her friend, dawn along to meet boys and to party..well, they came to the right place, I think.dawn was actually pretty hot---long face/body and italian-girl sexy..i didnt know much more about her other than she had gone to bowling green and that she was some kind of social worker from youngstown.she had brown eyes, long brown hair, and tight blue jeans..dana g was a different story..at the time, dana g was certainly fuckable (she looked a bit like the actress, brittany murphy albeit darker and chunkier), but I think everyone in the room knew that dana g was gonna weigh 300 pounds and look just like her bigfatmama before it was all over..nootie certainly knew a mark when he saw one, and spent the better portion of the evening feeding her rolls, bong hits, and bourbon..dana g might have had the biggest mouth at the party too, and the only thing left to do was fill it up with a cock that was even fatter..i must admit that I found her attractive as well, but I also kinda instinctively hated her guts for what I knew she was gonna be at 40: 800 pounds, in a moo-moo, and just screaming because the potatoes in her tv dinner were burnt..nootie had already taught me that as soon as I could see that the ecstacy had begun to kick in, that I should begin to touch and rub the girls as quickly as possible so that they would get used to it..i started playing with dawns fingers and pretty soon I had my hands up under her shirt massaging her back and neck.of course, the colonel made her obligatory appearance downstairs and began to complain that we were gonna get her arrested..the colonel said that she had a friend who had died of an ecstacy overdose, but then again I had already heard the stories about her other friends who had gone to jail for smoking pot, shoplifting, and vandalism.the colonel bitched and bitched for so long that we decided to move the party to my apartment..at some point during the night, oldladygnu had come downstairs and nootie had given her a roll as well (he didnt even know her at the time, but I guess he figured that another fucked-up girlie couldnt hurt his odds)..i think I drove the five of us back here, but then again I wouldnt swear to it..i was touchy-feely hammered, the girls were touchy-feely hammered, and even nootie seemed to have a fine buzz..we snorted some more ecstacy, did some more bong hits, and broke out the red wine..after a while, all five of us were on my floor laughing and giggling and massaging each other..dont forgot that me and nootie weigh a combined 500 pounds, so the fact that we had three reasonably attractive girls on the floor, high and horny and up for pretty much anything was no small feat..as the night wore on, I began to focus more of my attention on dawn..i ran my hand up her shirt and along the crotch of her jeans.i ran my hands thru her hair and kissed the back of her neck..i gave her a massage while wrapping my legs around her torso so that she could feel my erect cock throbbing thru her clothes .i made pelvic thrust too---like I wanted to fuck her right there on the floor..what made the scene remarkable was it was all happening in the middle of a room full of people..i had only had sex with 2 girls in my whole life and here I was about to have sex with this longtall hottie right on the floor.i was a zone too---pre-cum, drooling, grunting, and real goddamn close to wild animal nuts..nootie seemed to be having a good time as well with dana g---they were on the couch and she was gigging as he put his hands between her legs.he was way high himself, but would periodically look over at me and smile.the only one who didnt seem to be having a good time was oldladygnu---she was kinda the odd girl out, and kept going out to my balcony for air.i guess nootie started feeling bad for her, so he would periodically leave dana g to get up and go check on her..again, dana g woulda been fine if he woulda just left something in her mouth, but when nootie would leave the room, dana g would try to intentionally plop herself down between me and dawn..this went on for a while and since I wanted to maintain the ecstacy peace, I began to rub on dana g with my other hand.by that time, dawn was so fucked up, that I had unbuckled her jeans, and had begun to move my fingers around her snatch.ive always been kind of a buttcrack man, so I started moving my left hand around the rim of dawns buttcrack while moving my right hand up under dana gs shirt..dana g didnt seem to mind at first, although she kept impatiently looking towards the balcony for nooties return..by the time he did return, I was already inserting my middle finger in and out of dawns exposed butthole and had decided to try the same thing with dana g..there was a second when it actually worked and then all hell broke loose.i slipped my hand down past dana gs panties and moved about three fingers inside her butt...she let out an ooo, then rolled over on her side, popped up, and announced that it was time for them to leave..this pleased oldladygnu (because it meant that dana g wasnt gonna get nootie) and she agreed on-the-spot..by that time, dawn was so high and horny that she woulda done just about anything anyone said---since her friend from home said it was time for them to go, she went..dude, looking at those pictures now, my mouth still waters..obviously Ive faux-molested quite a few hot girlies over the years when they were out-of-their-minds, but this one was more than ready to have sex with me on the floor while other people watched, plus she was hot as a motherfucking italian firecracker..i thought nootie was gonna be pissed at me, but actually he wasnt.he gave me a little lecture about girls not liking it when youre too aggressive, but overall he seemed mildly amused by the entire evening (and maybe he was beginning to fall for oldladygnu)..i never saw dawn again after that, although someone told me that she became an ecstacy freak and got fired from her job as a social worker about a month later..the next night, me and nootie and wred wound up at some bowling alley dancing with oldladygnu, dana g, and the colonel.dana g just glared at me from across the table like I should be mortified, but I was with nootie and looked back at her as if to say yeah, I did it.why you looking at me like that, you heffer?..later on that night, I actually danced without fear---like no one was watching and like I didnt really care at all if they were..nootie was there, ya know---and that made all the difference
ECLAIRE
my attempts at interacting with the hipper joycean crowd was just as memorable albeit embarrassing (even for me)....within the ranks of the new guard was this fat, speech-impediment having , new york blowhard we dubbed eclaire.....eclaire fancied herself as the kent, ohio equivalent of gertrude stein and would have lame-ass cocktail parties where she served mimosas, played tori amos records and spent the evening getting sloppy drunk.....the first one of these parties i attended i actually hooked up with some chubby goth girl so i was kinda stoked to hit the second with julie on my arm....i brought a phat bottle of jagermeister with me and began pouring shots for all of my professors----especially my female professors.....as the evening progressed the trippy trips began to kick in and i sorta lost control.....eclaire got hongry and decided to make her some pizza.....supposedly i got a hold of some of the toppings and began to not so subtly clock some of my professors in the head with slices of pepperoni....i went into eclaires bathroom, opened her medicine cabinet and decided to steal her laxatives.....im not exactly sure why, but i guess i just thought fat-ass eclaire would be needing to shit sometime in the future and her not being able to would be funny....at the time, eclaire was almost as fucked-up as me so she really didnt notice what i was doing....as julie and i got ready to leave eclaire came up to me with the intention of drunkenly kissing me on the cheek.....on instinct, i turned and kissed her full on the mouth....there had been an ice storm the day before so when i hit her front step it was a solid sheet of ice....i slipped and fell right onto her flower pot shattering it into pieces....in the span of about 30 seconds i had kissed my current professor on the mouth in public and drunkenly fell on her porch breaking a flower pot.....eclaire wasnt mad that night but by the time word got around to her that i had stolen her laxatives, she was furious.....i tried to apologize and give her some of my fathers homemade wine but she would have none of it.....i skipped her next 3 parties and finally decided to crash her last one before i left kent state for good....i gave her a box of chocolates and asked if i could stay at her party..... this fat, watered-down gertrude stein said that i couldnt come in the house but they i could stay in her yard as long as i didnt smoke any marijuana.....again, why would anyone prefer a fictitious ernest hemingway when papa could be in your house stealing your laxatives and clocking you in the head with pepperonis......you know i put a fucking plastic yard duck down my pants before i left that party
THE UNIVERSITY INN
while i'm on the subject of the hotel, i might as well go ahead and break down my floor for you......when i first moved back here i lived on the third floor, but the dude above me kept pissing and throwing up on my balcony, so i asked to be moved somewhere else (and in retrospect, i kinda regret the decision)......to tell ya the truth, the sixth floor is so fucking u-g-l-y that i wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy......a black drug dealer from detroit lives in 601.....he likes to stand outside the door in his underwear and talk on his cell phone.....i walked by one night and he was talking on his cell---all fucked up and completely naked.....the coeds who live in 602 are blond and quite hot.....one of them will sometimes smile at me in the elevator, but they wisely don't speak to anyone......the horsegirl lives in 603 with her australian boyfriend and his two kids.....the horsegirl used to work at cvs, but got fired (i'm not sure why, but i assume it is somehow connected to him)......i've seen him get arrested 3 times in the 2 years that they have lived here.....one time he thought this dude in the lobby was looking at the horsegirl's ass and a full-fledged brawl ensued.....the second time i saw him get arrested was in the parking lot....5-0 had pulled him over for expired tags when they realized that he was wanted, they put the cuffs on him.......the horsegirl left his kids with the girl at the front desk and went to bail him out.....i don't know why he got arrested the third time---i just saw 2 cops leading him off to the elevator.......old man sideburns lives in 604......he's in his mid-sixties, has long sideburns (no beard or moustache) that come down to the corner of his mouth, and is always wearing a cleveland browns jacket and hat combination even in the summer......old man sideburns speaks to no one---like if you ask him about the browns in the elevator, he'll turn his back to you......mountain girl lives in 605 (and they don't call her mountain girl because she resembles jerry garcia's second wife).....mountain girl is 6'1'' and tips the scales at a good 250 lbs.......the housekeepers swear that she has the messiest hotel room in the history of the hotel, but to my knowledge no living creature has never made it out of there alive....mountain girl is rumored to work as a phone solicitor......my old neighbor, lil-rob-with-the-blue-hair said she bought ecstacy from him a couple times, but lil rob aint exactly the most trustworthy of sources......little arnold schwarzenegger lives in 606.....i don't really know that much about him other than the fact that he's bipolar and on a lot of medication......like dale-the-tail always hints that little arnold dialed 911 after an aborted suicide attempt a few years back, but i can't confirm that rumor either.....little arnold fancies himself a bodybuilder and works as a phone solicitor for some credit card company in akron......he was always in love with front desk clerk, natasha, but now he would appear that he's in love with manager james.....i heard he had chrome's disease too, but again, my source is less than reputable......g.i. joe lives in 607 with his ms-having girlfriend (who's actually smart and almost kool).....he's the one who told me (on the first night we met) about how his girlfriend used to work at a quickie mart and how this regular customer raped her in his car one night......g.i. joe got a drunk in public last month (to go along with his 3 dui's), so joes been kinda quiet lately (although i can still hear him scream on sundays whenever the brown's opponent scores a touchdown).....tecumseh terry lives in 608.....he's working on his ph.d in chemistry.....he's also a born-again christian who favors cowboy hats and asian girls......the biggest motherfucking freak in the world lives in 609----and that freak would be me......cousin tim lives in 610 (he's fiftysomething and retired from the military).....he's the biggest fucking alcoholic i've ever met in my life (and coming from me that's saying something)......like i'm sure he polishes off a fifth of bourbon every single night of the week....and when he's on a bender, his eyes are red and cracked like no eyes i've ever seen (even more so than the dude at va tech who put blotter acid in his eyeball).....i came out of my apartment one night and cousin tim was too fucked up to work the key to unlock his door....i'll try my impression, but it won't do the scene justice: "fucking.....fuckfuck.....keyfuck.....fuck".....and cousin tim looked at me for a brief second as if he wanted to rip my heart out of my chest---and i got the fuck out of there.....and when i came back from the store 30 minutes later, cousin tim was lying beside his door in a pile of vomit and puke.....i'm pretty sure he'd pissed his pants too......i said: "what's up, dude" real softly and eased my way into my room.....i've seen tim grab the housekeeper's ass and ask desk clerk, missy if he could "take pictures of her titties".......of course, he's blacked out and remembers none of it the next day.....tim has some kind of button on his keychain that will disable his van in the event of an emergency and supposedly the owner of his favorite bar in canton will have the bartenders throw him in the back at closing time and then push the button so he can sleep it off......in 3 years time, i've never seen the dude who lives in 611....i think that may be a good thing.....hashish, the indian lives in 612 with a roommate whose name i don't know.....i have no real stories about hashish other than the fact that he's deeply involved in "indian amway"---you know, kinda like our version of amway where you buy $1000 worth of crap and try to sell it to all your friends and neighbors for $1050 to make back your original investment......i think he's using the bond of friendship as a ploy to trick dale-the-tail into joining.....dale-the-tail claims that he only goes to their conferences for the free trips to exotic locals like gary and grand rapids, but i don't think even his inherent racism can save him from the cult now.....there is no room 613 because hotels are superstitious and never have a 13th anything----the floor couldn't be any worse than it already is, ya know......dale-the-tail lives in room 614 (the last house on a bad street)......nuff said, wouldn't you agree?
Philly
Pittsburgh
Joseph Beth
