home
Sorrows
of
the
Moon
Poetry by Angelicque Marie James
2011
a hundred stars and brittle bonescome falling from my mouthand my eyes.am i mad?with longing, with loving.am i strange?with loving, with leaving.break, fall, break, bend.change shape, change face.moon mad tidal wave.i am lost.i am lost.6-27-2011oh, if i could just find the hollow of your throatpeel back the skin and shed your virtuei would tie knots with my bare handsuntil they bled and bruised and withered.but there are forests between usand i have weathered too many stormswhen lights fades, you are goneand i am lost among the stars.go now; into abandonand i in my sufferingwill leave bread crumbs in my absence.you are ocean's away from meand yet i can still hear the soft ghoststhat linger in your wake.6-5-2011
about
this old houseit creaks and cracks with pressurewindand rainit creaks and cracks from passionand soft ghostshalf a million miles away.they say i'm too pretentious for my own goodbut oh, i don't know, i don't knowthe sea is cold and calmthe world, a contrast of black on whiteand i don't knowwhat's right from wrong.you see, i follow my heartat the expense of my mindcells break apart and reconstructand still i standinches from the starsinches from the skyinches from the linesthat crossed the great dividebetween love and liesthe dreams that died.i am who i am who i am is who i amand who i am is what you are notyou are not what you are notyou are not what i need what i want what i need.and i am not to blame, no.i am not to blame.5-28-2010oh, these night time hours. the hours meant for owls.i will cry mercy at the moon, but she will not hear me.instead i will clutch my open wounds in vain,and wish the stars away from here.3-18-2010i amspider likeand smallterriblein my formbanishedshut out in the coldtangledsluggish and slowunable to reactparalyzedand distancedby words.1-11-2010and suddenly, my spinetingles and unfurlsspiralsvisions enfold my bodythe color red and the sound of drumsenvelops my souland i begin to runthe trees; my homereturning; becominganima.naked skinbecomes riddled with soft furblue eyesbecome glossy and blacksoles on soft grassbecome hooves.1-8-10sometimes i am that little girllooking out her window at her best friend (who was a birch tree)to the woods where she built teepees and dissected berries (instead of insects)in a world where caterpillars are comrades and sticks are magic wandsand rocks can speak and flowers have feelingsponds are bottomless and bears sleep in big holes in the ground.and sometimes i am an old womanretracing the steps of my youthfinding old remnants of a childhood long goneand locations forever lost, condemned to exist only in the mindbut my best friend, she is still therestrong and white and ancientkeeping my secrets safekeeping my memories alive.1-6-10
music
sink beneath the waves, my dear girldisappear into the deep black oceanyour gossamer wings heavy with the salt of the seayour heart heavy with the dream of his deaththe song caught in your throatyour throat filled with waterso much wateroh, my dear angelwhat can we doto pull you back through?how can we saveyou from the relentless waves?9-8-09lift the veildo not shudder while you speakthere is a time for wordsbut not now.in the wateryou are safefrom the worms.the scent offuneral flowersatrophiesthe nervous systemrendering mehelplessto yoursinging.powerlessto yoursong.in the earthi am safefrom the birds.9-8-09Lepidoptera;somewhere in the night,there is the shudderingof pale, tattered wingsfragile veinsencased in silkfeather softand snow white.the scent of honey and lavenderflesh and bloodof things being bornabandonedand alone.shaking and newher eyes open for the first timepale blue iriss hold their gazetowards blackened; burning skiescold as icethe stars shine down like diamondsamong the billows of smokeand ash.she finds her way into the darknesschanging shapechanging fateand disappears forever.flutter, flutter softlyand fly away, my love.fly into the light.9-7-09borderline personality disorder;he saysas he looks me in the eyewaitingfor what i will say next.a good prognosis diagnosisunlikea bipolar sentence.i can overcome this?long nights filled with nausea andrestless leg syndrometell me otherwiseweight gain.hair loss.apathy.consistently dehydratedtired to the bonespeak volumes.in exchange for what?emotional death.get over itthey saylike i have a choicelike a diabetic has a choiceto be healthy again.no.i will never overcome this.it defines me.it defies me.7-29-09Kali Ma;KaliKali MaGreatBlackMotherWarriorDestroyerDevourerDarkMoonRisingpools of blood and severed nervesbroken bones and visceraYou dance upon Your enemies corpsesYour kingdom is of deathin happiness, You kill.KaliKali MaBlackMotherEarthGoddess of transformationand justiceGiver of lifePreserverShe who is beyond TimeRedeemer of the UniverseCreatrixthe Ocean Of Bloodfrom which all were bornthe Womb of the world,and its Tomb.rise, Dark Moonrise and shed Your half lightand dance upon the grave.let us know Your maternal Love,let us know the terror of Death.You are the darkness between the stars, Great Mother.You are the stars themselves, engulfed in fire.7-21-09delusions of grandeur;so deplorable, you arewith your exclusive group ofpretentious females.a collection ofwaspspretending to bebutterflies.i am not blind to yoursycophantic gamesandcatastrophic detailsof an otherwise boring lifehiddenbehind poetic prose.6-16-09do not define me by the books i read,the movies i watch,the music i love.do not define me by the color of my skin,the clothes i wear,the money i make.do not define me by the religion i practice,the morals i uphold,the beliefs i hold dear.i am a woman.i am a human being.define me by my grievances.define me by my suffering.6-4-09in these night time hoursmy ribcage breaks openand my chestexplodes like an atom bomb.memories like ghostshaunt these dark hallsof my small apartmentchanging the landscapefrom safety to sorrow.tears fall like rainover my naked breastsand i feel something cave insomething so smallyet large enoughto fold and unfold me.a sudden departurebreaks the sky in tworendering me speechlessand shutteringfor hours.these long cold hourswhere timeand distancedont matter anymore.6-3-09i dreamt last nightof an unlikely friendtelling me she was in lovewith the deviland she laughedas the bones of small birdscame pouring out of my mouthi tried to rip them awayhorrifiedthat they were attached to my jawsthe pain excruciatingher laughter; insane.4-30-09i wish i knewhow to pull the wool from over your eyesthe lilacs from your hairthe needle from your veinbut try as i mighti fail each and every time.you lick your lipsand bite down hardi scream out my bedroom windowhoping you can hear methrough the rainbut you cannot hear me.i am still aliveand you are someone else.4-22-09i have become long winter nights and cold moonsstark white and raving madhowling at the ghosts of treesfading in the warm city lightsthe feel of light rain and rolling fog is gloriousas bitter waves lap at my naked feetand i cryi cry.a broken piano sits in a dusty old roommy fingers try to play but it makes no sensethe sounds of children fill the airand i am alonefor a few momentsi can hold my breath and shake my handsand the cold goes awayit goes away.4-20-09a small insectlands on my fingerinquisitive eyesstare back at mea moment of recognitionpasses between usacknowledging oursmallnessin this worldhe flies awayleaving me humbledat his bravery.4-02-09graduallyi see the trees changefrom oak and mapleto cedar and birchthe vast farmland landscapeturns to granite and wildernessand the airso sweet and purei feel my lungs expandingin its purityand in a fieldthree does graze on dry grassstartled by my presencethey dart into the forestwhite tails wavingand i wishi could follow themand never returnto the lights of the city.4-02-09a fine mistenvelopes the airas water hits rock, and then rivera rainbowarcs over the landscapeseemingly at homein this dense woodlandtracks of animals surround mecomforting methat they are out thereperhaps watching mein all their wildnessi taste the sweet waterpouring from the maplesand thinki am home.4-02-09morning birds heralda sort ofspring time dancein my heart.a sense of longingfor somethingnewand freshand untouched.a crocus bloomsand my soullifts from out of winter snowsingingsongs of sunlight and rain.3-27-09your pretentionamuses no onebut yourself.all the laughter, all the sighs, and all the eye rollingjust makes you lookuglier.why is there such a need to be the best at everything?to put everyone else down?is there some lost and lonely childunacceptedhiding beneath all your armor?3-27-09and now you are dead.for years i feared you.years i spentshakingin disbelief.and now you are dead.the memories staining everything.the rumors silenced by doubt.that house still haunts my dreams.your face grows more sinister the harder i try to forget.and now you are dead.3-24-09your questions seem arbitraryi look at you and feel nothingNOTHINGwhy does that seem so unfair?i give and give and giveand you take and take and takewho taught you that?who told you that was okay?its no matter now.only a question of timebefore you look in the mirrorand see the beasti saw in youall along.3-24-09Grandpa Bill;i rememberthe special little wayyou showed us all you caredby getting every Disney movie there ever wasfor us to watchwhile the grownups sat and talked.i rememberyour voice was so gruffloud; sternscary sometimesbut that twinkle in your eyegave your heart away.i rememberhow you used to show me how to gardenpointing out all your favorite plantsmint being the bestand letting me take some in the carto smell for the long ride home.they say you fought in the warthat you earned a lot of medalsthat you were a brave, brave mani believe every wordeven though you never told us these things.and most of all i remember the dayyou saved mewhen i could not save my fatherthat day you were my heroand even though youre goneyoure my hero still.3-24-09Susie;they found her bodyor what was left of itby the cornfield.octobers unrelenting skycovered her in shadowshidden away from view.the singing crowsstood vigil in the trees beside heras if in mourning.they say it happenedduring the nightwhen the town was asleep.a harmless strangerso they thought.such a little girltorn to pieces.a small town shatteredscatteredjust like the remains of the small girlthe dogs took off with.3-23-09
tour
touchpeel the skin backand cauterize the woundyou used to saypleasebefore you turnedcoldand i wanted nothing morethen to watch youburnfor what you didbut it was a dreami think.what matters nowis all i haveleftin my heartis painandbloodandstainsandmemoriesthat arent reali think.9-10-2008carnageyesterdaya great maple tree in my neighborhoodwas trimmed.branches like limbs thundered to the ground.leaves fell like rain and scattered like blood on the concrete.the birdscried out for their homesand fled.an old man yells at the two young workers,calling this anabominationand unnecessary.the two young workers make jokes after the man is goneabout tree huggersand hippies.a little girlwith her grandmotherapproaches the men and asks for a small branch.they ask her whyand she saysso i can remember him.they explain they arent killing the tree or cutting it all down.were only trimming it.the girl asks why.they have no answerbecause there is no real reason why.the tree endangered nothing; it just grew, as trees do.there was no reason.the girl looked at the carnage on the ground, and looked at the men, and held out her hand.they give the girl her branch and she walks away.the young workers stand confused by her innocence.i watch this from my window.feeling the pain of the great maple.feeling the anger of the old man.feeling the innocence of the young girl.and feeling the desensitization of the young workers.and it makes my heart ache.8-12-2008wombi awakefrom a restless sleep.my lover beside me does not stir.i am glad i have not awoken him.i rush to the bathroom and proceed to vomit.holding my belly as if it might help,but it never does.it is my dark moon time.the time i shed my uteral skin.and my kore is rocked with vibrations ofreleaseand death.and it is these timesat nightwhen i am sick with dis-ease of my womanhoodwhere i wish that instead of all this deaththere was life inside of me.8-12-2008hunterthis howling hungerthis aching ragewhere teeth become fangsand skin becomes furbones break into primal formi am the hunteri am the hunted.7-22-2008starsi want to pull from the skythe stars in my blinded eyesi want to drink from the milk of the moonconsumefeel it in my chestin my blood, in my veinsthe feelings of shamethe memory of blamewho i was thenwho i am nowthe claws, the bone, the ache, the painof knowing i can never be this way again.7-22-2008cronepoint me in the right directiondriven half mad with feari see her walking awaythe ashes trailing behind heron fireand out of her mindshe turns around to blow me a kissthe skin falling awaythe fingers cracked and peelingeyes alight and aliveshe smilesand turns awayfurther down the tunnelfurther and furtherthe darkness envelopingthe silence astoundingshe crackles and burnsfades, then falls away.february 2008
gallery
storypainted landscapesof bone white treesin pitch black skiesinfrared dreamingseemingly screamingshe is more dead then she is alive.hopelessly fightinga story worth writingsomething worth trying forand the lines become circlesand the words become hurtfulshe is more truth then she is lies.december 2007aurorayour inhibitions have taught me well.the ancient magic ofdragon eyesand swollen tongues.the delicate makings of owl feathersand moon light..i am made of mountains and snow,winter lights,comets,and stars.a slave to memoryand sound.10-3-2007the death of domesticationthe ghost in my room just sneezed, she saidexcuse the mess, i have been bored as of latei do not know how i got here.take my hand and i will bring you to the waters edge, she saidsee how the dragonflies dance?theyre in love, she saidalways in loveand i think i might love them too.the way the sun filters through the bone like trees, she saidit feels like winterand i think i might be dying.dont cry, she saidall good things to comeits only a matter of timebefore you will die tooso be strong, she saidand stay awake because your dreams will always try to crush you.and then darkness took her away from meleaving me alone and stilldiving down, downdown to the bottom of the lakeback to weepback to sleep.9-10-2007sentimentthe scent of something strange and lingering drifts into my lungs and heart.i am silenced and still;wondering and waiting.something in the night breaks and falls and shatters to the ground.i am unsure of the sound, but i think i have heard it before.there is sense in all of this.but i lack the clarity to pinpoint the sentiment.sometimes those who are lost dont want to be found;and i think, i understand why.5-30-2007beautifulyou used to saypush harderi can not touch the skymy legs cant reachand my eyes cant seewhat my heart feels insidei am dyingyou used to sayevery second of every dayi am dyingand i feel itin my bones, i feel itthe marrow twisting and turningsaying goodbyeas you wave your arms like a childto the war machines flying bythis world is so beautifulyou used to saywhen morning air lifted to hazy sunand the animals would cry in heatexhaustingand so beautifulyou used to sayas youd collect broken glass for your next circus actyoure running out of timeyou said to me lastrunning out of timeand away from me.1-15-2007shakeni feel this heavy weight in my heartcollapsing shouldersfailing lungsthe words speak for themselvesmy fingers break within your holdwithin your speechof indifferencethere is no silence long enoughthat could befall upon your deaf earseven the trembling of my skin falling from the bonemy voice falling to the floordoesnt touch you.so icrawlacheshaken in disbeliefthat runs as deep as the seas you used to love.1-15-2007monstersshe runs from the unseen monstersfinding safety in caverns too dark to see clearlybut she hears them, she hears themshadows inside shadowsmurmurings resembling creatures not humanthey laugh, oh they laugh at hersilly little girlrunning like a childfrom the corners of her mindshe dare not speak of.1-5-2007for my lovelavender incense and soft skinracing heartbeats and swan featherskisses by waterside and blackbird callssilly songs and love blinksperfectly fitted fingers and lips and hips and everything in betweenyou & i.1-3-2007
contact
unsent letters IIyou are the culmination of years of feigned apathyno wonder you never smileit is lost behind the shame.12-19-2006unsent letters Iyou speak with the tongue of a child that has never known suffering.you love with the heart that has only known the finer things of life, the heart that knows no hunger, no lust, no spite.youve grown envious, young onefull of fright and fear. need and want. right and wrong. black and white.the gray and the pale and the silence and the dream has been lost to you.it is a pity you shall never know the true meaning of sorrow,it would do you some good.12-19-2006sorrowi feelsorrowfor the girlswith theirwistful eyesandlonging heartssearching sodesperately forloveand understandingspinning their stunning websfairy talessiren songsa lifefully liveda worldthat is anythingbut their own.anythingbutmediocrity.12-18-2006ascensioni have become the eternal winter of the soulblossoms lie here and therethreatening to bloom, blooming, and then dyingroses, sweet roses, lingeramong the snow, among the snowsingingdistant voiceschildren laughingi have been here beforethe snow softly falling downthe lamplight illuminating his facethe silencei have been herei am home.i am coldnessand darknessand warmthand light.i disintegrate, illuminate, eviscerate.iascend.8-17-2006winterwinters chill has ripped her from the boneshe has fallen, my loveshe got lost in the woodsand the monstersthe monsters mean to kill hereat hertear her weary flesh from bone and limband for what?FOR WHAT?indifferencedelusionseclusionnoshe ranshe ran as fast as she couldbut she cannot get awayawayleave methe snow will cover any tracesany tears.7-13-2006lightrunning running runningchasing lighteningshe criesi am freefree from you and you and youprairie grass scrapes pale skinleaving little trails of blood upon the wildflower fieldsand she keeps runningchasing the storm cloudschasing the thunderjump into the lightand disappear from here.7-13-2006bedtime storythey found her lovers ashes by the old oak tree.i remember watching her walk down the abandoned road a long time agoflowers in her hairher hands held firm at both sidesand she was singingsinging in the darknesssinging for her love that never returned.they say she was wildnever lovednever cared forshe was never beautifulshe was never any of those thingsthat we hold so dear.but she lovedshe loved.and she criedshe cried.vines wrapped around her feethanging upside downshe greeted the sunand bled herself dry.7-5-2006
Page 7
rotreplace the rot with petalspick some flowers and shove the ends of them into your eye socketsbetter to be blind then see the othersshed the skin and suffer the stingit will all be over, all be oversing until your throat goes dryfill this room with the only noise you can stillcry out, please dont cry out. please dontthis life is a blessing, a blessing in disguisethese moments are cherished in my heart forever, but the rot sneaks in again and destroysno, not everything.refuse the seemingly inevitable, right?running away just entices the problem to follow7-11-2005karmayou will be given something falsely amazingand it will be taken away from you.you cannot escape your sufferingyou will not live unpunished.5-7-2005goddessshe came billowing in like wisps of smoke and memory and something beautifulother worldlylike some long forgotten ghost hidden behind tangled hair and a frownbut she smiledshe smiled and sang us her songand the world opened her once brittle, now solid armsand held us for only a momentand then disappeared.4-19-2005mirrorthe sounds of butterflies fall at my feetlike tiny bubbles floating in the air, and smashing as they hit the groundmy stomach turns in knotsmy eyes feel like furand my fingers clench so tight the bones break and stab my skinbut the mirror is brokenthe glass has shattered all around meand the girl who stood before me lies dying on the floorbut she is laughingshe is smilingshe is finally letting go.4-20-2005gregwrap these words around you and stay warm.your arms, my safety net.your eyes, the light guiding me home.your voice, my last shred of hope.and your love, the air in my lungs.4-5-2005for the ignorantfrozenin place and out of placeout of lineso you saymy words will rotand festeruntil your open sores closewith the truthtrapped inside.3-12-2005sisterhazea paler shade of graya light outside the windowcome home.foot steps in the snowa voice beyond the distancea silence breakable with timecome home.3-6-2005
Page 8
soul matei love you like i love the skyshe is never ending, always beautifulalways there.i love you like i love my skinalways warm, always wrapped around me, always holding me together.when i turn out the lights, when i lay myself down to sleep, when i close my eyes and dream about the life i've always wantedyou are thereyou were always there11-28-2004shadowyou are a tool.an instrument.you cannot write the song, but it cannot be played without you.you are as important as the next, and as insignificantyou are alive, but you are dying.hold on to your dreams, for YOU are the sum of your fears.whether you win, or you lose, it's only as important as you want it to be.need is not want, want is not need.figure that out.the rest of your life is waiting for you.10-6-2004phoenixi am screaming inside, can you see it in my eyes?i am trying to let go and let go and let go of your liesbut its been planted in my brainand it will flower and blossom until it breaks through the skin and cracks the skulluntil light is pouring from my veins and stars fall out of my eyesi will rise from your ashes.darealone. forgotten.eyes stare into silence and in darkness where words go to die.empty sentiment.hands gripping tiny throats of the hearts that rot and lie.inside. cold.dreams better left untold.smoke escaping cracked lips.that dare not speak your name.3-23-2004and then the days go by without me therei stay a ghost in your mind for a few hours and then disappearyou hear my name and then stop, for one second, and then forget my voicegiven time, i will diebut only in your heart. only in your mind.3-23-2004girli am not the beautiful girl. i am not the girl who will cry and let you touch her. i will not speak words to you unless they are real. and true. i will not fall, only stumble. i will not allow myself to be happy, until you are safe. i will not walk away, i will run like hell. i will open my eyes, but i will see nothing. i will scream, but you will not hear me. i will hold out my arms, i will open my mouth to speak, but i will drown you in silence. i will sleep on the floor and sing myself to sleep. i will open my heart but refuse to bleed. i will trust without holding, love without knowing, try without lying, and live without dying. i am in constant flux. i am in constant fear. i die every minute, but am reborn every second. i will complicate you. you will leave. and everything will beasitshouldbe.3-7-2004mo(u)rning.remember the first time you learned how to play Pachebel's Canon on the piano, you came home that cold morning all smiles and rosesand we turned down all the lights and covered the shades, and you played for me by candlelight, and i remembered watching the shadows on your face, and thinking surely you were the most beautiful boy on earthwhen you finished playing you sat still for a long time, staring at the keys, with this look upon your face that broke my heart, and when you finally met my eyes you smiled, and told me you loved meand it was in that following kiss, that i found myself so completely lost that i felt like i was falling through layers and layers of clouds and stars and rain, only to fall down softly into your armsand we made love for hours, holding each other and telling each other everything in our hearts and i remember before falling asleep, looking out the window at the falling snow, and the cold wind crying against the window panesi looked up at you and i smiled and wrapped your arms tighter around me always rememberingthere was never another morning like this never another morning like this2-19-2004
Page 9
dollyou spend all those hours, all those moments wasted on attaining perfection, that one piece that will silence them all, that one fragment of your heart that you will lay bare for the world to seeand they will embrace you, they will love you and take you in and give you everything you need, for that one small price, for that one little piece leftand you will give it to them, for you have nothing left, nothing to offeryou will mask your fear, hate what you cannot be, silence your own voice and harbor every tear you cryall for the sake of staying neutral, all for the sake of being lovedyou will keep lying, keep buttering them up to believe you, keep using and taking whatever you can get to make yourself feel better, keep feeding the masses all you can cook up to make yourself into someone they will adoreand if someone figures you out, make them into a monster, they will believe you, they have nothing better to believe inyou will do what you can to make him seeto make him noticeand everyone will notice, everyone will love youexcept the one you want.find some strength, youre going to need it when it comes crashing down on you.12-9-2003rundo you remember the time, a few summers ago, when we were standing in that open field behind your house, watching the clouds roll in, waiting for the rainwe sat in silence, watching the sky, and the thought of how much i loved you was consuming me, so i started to run, arms outstretched, into the open field, yelling at the top of my lungs like a childi stopped and turned around, you were walking towards me with that sly childish grin on your facei turned and stared at the sky until you were standing next to me.i turned to you and looked into your eyesthe eyes that love meyour hair was beautifully disheveled and surrounding your face, your smile crept into my soul like it always doesi saw myself in your eyes, even if only for a secondthe lightning lit up the sky, red, as it always did in late summer, and it shone in your eyes as you reached out for my handand as we looked up at the sky, waiting for the break that would cover us in rain, all i could think was not even the heat lightningcould match the electricity between us11-2-2003ghostssometimes i love the early morning hourswhen the fog comes through my windows into my roomlike ghosts of the ones i used to know and loveall nameless and faceless nowbut in waves of echoes, they still exist here.10-10-2003neverI'll never forget that time when we were driving home, we were in the backseat of your best friends carsilly of us to try to squeeze 8 people into a 6 person carit was a little snug, but cozyyou were next to the window, and I was next to youwe were all a little wasted, but too young to careeveryone was laughing and talking, the music was loud, and my ears were ringingyou were silent, looking out the window, avoiding contact with anyone, as everyone was avoiding contact with youI looked at you once and then turned away, sad at the fact that my very best friend was afraid to talk to meThen I felt your hand over mine, I looked at you and you still refused to peel your eyes from the windowyour hand slowly grabbed onto mine and held it, tighter and tighter until you felt close enoughand for a few minutes, we stayed that way, your hand holding mine, in total silencenever once did you look at me, but I looked at you, and I could see your eyes tearing up, and I knew there was nothing I could do to comfort youThen your grip got softer as we turned onto your street, until your hand was only resting on mine, your thumb stroking my skinand as we pulled into your driveway, all at once you let go, opened the car door and got out, closing it in my face, recomposing yourself so no one saw you were upsetAs you walked away, you turned once to look at me, and when I looked into your eyes, I knewand the pain of knowing washed over me so quick that I couldnt breatheI had to close my eyes, and when I looked back, there she was, walking out the door, wrapping her arms around you and kissing youand that familiar smile crept over your face, as you picked her up and whirled her around you, waved, and went insideAnd as we pulled away, I felt a piece of my heart ripped from me and scattered on your front lawnThe drunken girl next to me asked me if I was okay, and I lied to her and said yesshe said he's such a great guy, how come you and him never hooked up? and I just smiled and said with every ounce of regret in my voice I dont knowI just dont know9-17-2003the seaI remember the time we went to the beach, it was cold, and rainy, so I bundled up in your sweatshirt, and it smelled like you, and that was enough to make me all warm and fuzzy inside even before I was in your armsWe sat on the sand by the edge of the sea and watched the sun go downyou held me in your arms, and we said nothing, as we often never neededit started to rain, but only lightly, and as it got dark, I broke the silence, not to make a point, but only to hear your voiceI asked you what time you had to work tomorrow, something I cared about but was not necessary, and you just held on to me tighter and said you loved meI felt your chin in the curve of my neck, your stubble was tickling me, so I giggledand said nothingWe watched the waves break against the rocks, and all I could think to myself was, I am the rocks and you are the wavesbreaking me down and eroding me into something beautiful and smooth and agelessbut what did I have to give you? The means to an endthe surface in a voidmy darkness will only stifle your lightBut aside from that, I thought this is what it feels liketo be so overwhelmingly happy that I was screaming insidebut yet, I could say nothingI do not deserve youyou understoodand despite that, loved me anyway9-16-2003losti had a dream that you were here, we were lying in bed, you were playing with my hair and telling me about this song that you heard on the radio, how it reminded you of me, and that you had to pull over on the highway so you could listen and cryand i turned around and lay on top of you, looking into your already tired eyes, and i told you id love you for the rest of my lifeand you smiled, and said there was nothing you wanted morethat this will never endwe will always be in love, bound to each other in ways that only others can dream aboutthat there will never be a day where you didn't love meand then you pulled me under you and kissed me, you held me in your arms and you kissed me for what seemed like an eternity, until i felt the cold rush of rain from my window falling on my face like some forgotten memorywhen you were still mineand i lay in bed for hours before i finally found the strength to get up and face the dayaloneas i have always been since you left me hereif i have to go the rest of my life knowing you'll never love me again, i'll be alright, because you loved me once, a long time ago, and that memory will fill my dreams for the rest of my life9-10-2003alwaysi remember this one time, we were sitting on the deck watching the warm summer sky fade to twilight, and we were in those big wicker chairs, the ones that loom over your head and close in around you, with big fluffy pillowsi was just sitting watching the stars and you were smoking your ciggerette and watching me, we were talking about nothing and everything at once, when you finally looked me in the eyes and said "i have something i have to tell you."i asked you what it was, and then you got all quiet and soft, and told me you were in love with mei sat there speechless, not knowing what to sayall i could do was watch you look away from me to the floor.so i got up, walked over to you, sat down in your chair and wrapped myself around youand as i rested my head on your shoulders, you kissed my foreheadi couldnt see, but i could hear you smileand as i started to fall asleep in your arms, the last thing i said to you resounded in my head for all the days after that dayit was always youwas always you9-8-2003liei remember this one time when we were standing out in the rain, he was calling out to me like he had something important to say, so i turned around and looked him in the eyes and asked him what was so importanthe stuttered and stumbled for a bit before finally blurting out the words do you have any idea how much i love you?i smiled and said yes.and then he smiled, breaking every bone in my bodythen i turned and walked away from himyou dont love me at all.8-22-2003nightmare IIIi was in my old house in Rockland, where i grew up as a baby, and i was sitting on the kitchen floor, the house was the same but it seemed abandoned, until i heard this horrible cry coming from my old room and there i was, myself at 2 years old, except i was horribly disfigured, all the skin from the neck down was burned, my face was fine except for my mouth, my mouth had been burned to the point where there was just little slits from where the skin had melted together but i was screaming, and it was this horrible sound that ripped through meshe wouldnt stop screaming, i ran and hid in the bathroom and covered my ears, but she kept pounding on the door, still screamingit got louder, so i went into the living room, and she was writhing on the floor clutching her stomach, and her mouth was starting to bleed, so finally i went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife, i held her down and cut the slits from her mouth, and suddenly blood started pouring from her face, all over me and all over the floor and the scream turned into a noise that was making my ears bleed so i just sat there watching her, completely helpless, as she screamed and cried in pain on the living room floorfinally after what seemed like hours, her face started to change, her eyes went red and her teeth started falling out, so i went into the kitchen, opened the gun drawer and aimed it at her as soon as she got up and started running towards me with her little fingers reaching out, some of which were starting to fall off and she was smiling at mei realized she was already dead and then aimed it at myself, i pulled the trigger and suddenly realized i wasnt myself, as i watched my own head fall apart i realized this entire time, i was the child, and started giggling and poking at my own dead bodythen i woke up, and promptly went into the bathroom and threw up for half an hour.8-21-2003
Page 10
fliesi can see the house, a few yards ahead of meits white paint turning brown in the sun, its broken windows glaring back at methe door half opened smiling at meand the smellthat find its way into my braintheyre all in there, you knowevery last one of themall wasted and brokenlike some bad dreambeaten and raped and cut wide opened, bludgeoned, mutilatedtheyre all dead, every last one of themeveryone i have ever loved, lies dead in that housethe house in which i have witnessed hellit stands there in the open field, laughing at mereminding memocking mei watch it from the rope that wont let me diefrom the tree that wont let me livethe flies will find me sooni do not doubt thatthe flies will find me soon enough6-16-2003disasteryou came into my room a perfect disasteryour dark hair wet from the rainyour eyeliner smudged all over your faceyou step on a red crayon with your 3 sizes too big boots as you stepped through the doorwayyou love those bootsthey have shiny bucklesyou always smile when you say bucklesa faint glow radiating from your faceyou crawl on top of meseparating my lips with your tongueputting my hands in your hairit covers my face as you kiss me for what seems like foreverand its when those words escape from your lipsthats when it hits methat broken crayons and shiny bucklesall the moments i spent with youare the only things in my life that really matter.6-11-2003clarity(for the one who doesnt deserve this.)i remember when i once thought i had found home inside your armshow when i first looked into your eyes, i found myself there, and only thereand your words used to leave me broken apart and scattered all over the floor in mindless happinesshow your heart beating against mine was the most beautiful sound in the worldand the expression on your face still throws me back a few pacesback when i thought i was newback when i thought i loved youand the ghost of you still lingers herein all its unfairness my heart still breaks when i hear your nameand even though the atmosphere around me is constantly rottingtime knows no boundaries here, in my dreams you are minebut dreams are not reality, and in reality you decay as each day goes byand the memories start to fade, and the emotions start to go coldthere is nothing here but emptiness and disappointment nowand lost wishes and shattered dreamsof who i thought you were.6-2-2003guilti want to break every bone in my body, just so i could have something significant to be in this much pain over.i wish my skin would crack all over and then fall apart right in front you of so you could finally see how much you make me feel like nothing.i wish i could die in your arms, so you could live forever with that image in your mind, so at least then id mean something in your miserable existence, even if only in guilt.4-12-2003nightmare IIi had that dream againthe one where i am riding down a highway and everything is so very darkas i am progressing down the road, i notice the stench. the smell of rotting meat.it smells so awful, but there is nothing to reveal where it is coming from. so i keep driving down the pitch black road.the yellow lines turn red.the whole road turns red.and i see it.the first dog.he is completely mangled. in the middle of the road. you can barely tell it was a dog before death.it was not hit by a car.someone butchered iti keep driving, despite my retching stomach. the smell is all over me now. i know there is no way i could remove it from my car.suddenly there are more.dead dogs all over the highway. millions of them just like the first.except now i am finding limbs and heads and torsos.nothing is intact.just dead dogs, millions of dead dogs, all over the highway.i want to stop but i am afraid to pull over. i am afraid that whoever has done this to these dogs is out there, in the now viewable woods beside me.there is no escape. no place to turn around. nowhere to go.but forwardthere is no road. my car is riding on top of bodies. corpses are staining my wheels. dead meat is coming up into my car. i cant even smell the stench anymore, its become me.i am scared, and i have thrown up twice.but i will not stop.the sky starts to turn red. i am aware now that there are towers in the distance. huge towers with seemingly monstrous heads peering down at me. they are breathing smoke.smoke that smelled like death.burning flesh.there are hundreds in the distance. dragons breathing the smoke of death. invisible corpses in the distance writhing, screaming, burning.it was then that i saw them. they werent dogs anymore.they were humansome were whole, some were not, the smell had changed from a sour rotting meat smell, to a sweet fresh blood stench. they have only been dead for a short time.on the faces still intact, you could see the fear. the silent screams etched on their face.pure terror.the towers were laughing now, spitting out new black smoke across the crimson sky.ashes fell like snow upon my car. it was then that i stopped.and got out of the car.my feet squished against decaying flesh. the sound was awful. the smell was new and rotten. the air was dense, and the black snow had covered me in seconds.the towers stopped laughing.and there i stood. the only living thing amongst a world of death.i turned around, and i saw black skies and dark road.i looked to the sides of me, and there was woods, dark mangled trees that i now notice had bodies strung from them as well. there were howls of pain all around me. coming from the trees.then i looked forward. it became silent.there stretched before me was a long winding road. strewn with corpses. some hanging, some impaled, some long dead, some still dying.and the road was stained red, with body parts just lying there in a sticky mess.there was no sound, not even wind. no movement. just dead silence.and i stood there. quiet. unmoved.this is truly the road to hell.how did i get here?what did i do to get here?where do i go?there is nowhere to go.so i walk on.completely silenced.completely calm.completely unaffected.i walk, covered in ashes, covered in tears.soaked with blood. drained of all emotion.fearless.damned."are you ashamed? are you afraid?of the gods and idols that you have made.do you think youll be saved?from the gods and idols that you have made.none will be saved."nightmare Iit seemed prophetic, me being there i knew i was in salem, but it was not salem, at least not a part id seen before. i was with a bunch of kids, like a field trip, and i knew them all in this dream, but i know none of them in reality.so there we were, on this road, in what felt like november it was cold, frosty, foggythe streets were empty, overrun with dead leaves and eerily quietwe were looking for something, something we had been waiting for something rareand we were excited, really really excitedi ventured off a bit, walking down the street, happy to be alone, and then i saw italong the abandoned road - a patch of land, what looked like a cemetery.the ground was covered with lush green grass, despite the cold, and the gate was covered in dead vines that looked like hands and the sky was white, with a few gray clouds racing byand the fog, was so thick i had trouble seeing my wayand then it cleared, and i saw themstatuestall white statuesangels holding their faces, hovering in shame, hiding their eyesthey were all similar, they had long hair, beautiful wings folded behind themlong gownsthey were beautiful, made of the whitest stone i had ever seen and i had to see them closerso i went in.and then i heard them, they were cryingi could hear the soft sobs coming from the stone, though they never movedand no matter where i turned, it was always the same, they always had their back to me, hiding their facethey werent moving, but shifting, moving me, so i couldnt see themid run in circles trying to see them, but theyd keep trucking backi felt horrible, the noise they were making was unbearable, these long torturous moans of despair and pain and all i could do was run around like an idiot, thinking i might save themthen i saw hershe was in a corner by a dead tree, a little bit brighter than the rest, a little bit louder than the restmore beautifuland i went to her, i could feel everything inside her, her pain, her anguish, her tormenti walked up to her, slowly and when i reached her, something died inside methis strange need to touch her filled me so i reached outand touched herand she screamedit was so loud my ears burst and started to bleed, my head started ringing in paini felt the stone shudder beneath my fingers, so i quickly pulled awayand then there were eyes millions of eyes looking at mei slowly turned around and there they all were, staring at metheir white dead eyes staring into me, and their bodies this much closer tomeit was almost as if they were breathing down my neck surrounding mei looked at them all, standing so much taller than me, their cold angry eyes fixated on me, invoking a fear i have never knownmy lungs quickly filled with cold air, making it impossible for me to breatheand still she screamed killing me insidei had to look at heri turned around, and there she waslooking at meshe had the most horrible look of pain on her face, i felt everything in me shatteri didnt know what i had done, all i knew was there were hundreds of stone figures pointed in my direction, staring at me like theyll kill me, and this one lonely girl in the corner, dying because i touched herand she started to crack and crumble blood was pouring out of the cracks where she broke and she was screaming, crying, howling at me to leavei started to back away, bumping into the other angelsfear gripped me so hard that i started to run i couldnt breathe, but i knew i had to get out of there fastand their eyes, followed me the whole way outand as i left, i heard her last cry and turned to watch her fall to the groundand then they started screaming, all of themi fell to the ground in pain, and thought this was the end when someone grabbed me and pulled me outthe next thing i knew i was in a bus with those kids again, leaving the cityi couldnt speak, i was shaking and i was so cold and afraid, god i was so afraidthey kept asking me to tell them what happened, and all i could do was hide my face from them and cryand the last thing i remember was as we were nearing a hill, i looked up and saw the gardeni knew exactly where i wasit was some sort of garden of souls, girls trapped in stone, souls lost in the world that got sent there, like in the twilight zone to stay forever contained in their own frozen hellto spend eternity rotting away in a place where no one loves them, no one goes to see them no oneand then i came in, disrupted everything gave one of them love, something they knew nothing about, and it killed themand angered the rest who envied such affectionand as i looked one last time, at all the faces glaring back at me all those eyes hating me for eternity, it was then that i recognized her face, why i loved her so much...she was me.
Page 11
bird-girlhe found a weakness in me that mirrored his ownhe tried to break me.he broke himself instead.he pushed.i flew.9-26-2001mineive become the scapegoat in a web of liesmy whole world has shattered into millions of pieces scattered across a field into tiny shards of glasslittle pieces of glitter that if i try to apologize pricks my thumb for a something wicked this way comesas blood falls from my hands it impregnates the land with poisoned flowers that spread their seeds who become dark gods that walk the land and stomp their feet killing everyone and everythingthe clouds roll in like dark holes of hate spreading insanity to everyones headinvoking my madness in everyones mindmaking them all hate memaking them mine.7-9-2001enrapturemy heart is silenced; breakingaching at the thought of being completely aloneand yet I stay herecompletely enraptured; attentivedrawn into the spellI am injured, burnt beyond recognitionAnd tantalized by the sight and soundOf my soul screaming to be let downAnd still held back from touchingMere experience is all I needI fear to get closeI need to let goI long to be nearI want to say noBut I will carry on in this fashionAs I always have beforeLonging for the endOf this meaningless obsessionOf the mere factThat I give my heart out every day to someoneWho will neverLove me.(2000)pushand so in loveI will prayRecently withoutI sulk awayI used to pray for reverenceAnd now I push it awayFor what price?My single sanity?No-I find love-not hereNot anymoreWhatever i do now, I do for the last time(1999)9.i pull my lips closer to yours because this is what i needone final kiss goodbyeas i leave you where i found younever knowing menever feeling what i feel mostserenityand the calmness of you loving meill never feel that way againnever see you this waynever feel you like thiskiss me like thisthen go.i always knew it would end this wayalways knewwe'd end this waynever rememberingnever loving you again.(1997)for -The sand unto which I stand sinks my toes deeper into the earthThe sea clears all thoughtAnd I swear I saw you standing there, staring at the sea, silently,As if waiting for the night to unveil the source where all this confusion came fromFor one whispery momentYou smiled, as if a thought flooded your mind, and flying would be easy if you had wingsI heard you crying although you never made a soundMust've been your heart because misery etched every scrawling letter upon your breaking faceYour eyes so lost and questioningInnocent and sadConfused and asking for a meaning to all this painAnd if I listen, I can hear your heart crying out loudYou are no longer aloneMemories like demons swirl over your headDisengaging everything and telling you things you do not want to hearI wanted more than anything at that moment to run to youAnd tell you to laugh at it all and consider it all but a dreamYet I stand, feet cemented to the groundAnd I watch you scream at the heavensLetting loose every monster inside you to ease the painI cried at how every scream, every curse echoed inside meAnd I knew there was nothing I could do to save youEach drowning wave bringing me further from youI watch you drown in a wave of sorrowI pray for your heartBecause I know it is weakAnd if I could change that you know i'd do anything in this worldTo mend all the scars love gave you.(1995)
home
2011
about
music
tour
gallery
contact
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
Page 11
Page 1
Page 2
