Battered States Of Euphoria

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homeinfoportfoliopoetrypoetry IIupdatescontactblack tape for a blue girl - denouncementhomeA woman who writes feels too much.A writer is essentially a spy. Dear love, I am that girl.My mouth blooms like a cut.Give me your skinas sheer as a cobweb,let me open it upand listen in and scoop out the dark.I am unbalanced - but I am not mad with snow. I am mad the way young girls are mad, with an offering, an offering....The womb is not a clock nor a bell tolling, but in the eleventh month of it's lifeI feel the November of the body as well as the calendar.Well then - speak of it!It was in the womb all along.The woods are underwater, their weeds are shaking in the tide.

Angelicque James

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MOON SOAKEDSHE EMITTEDA COLD RADIANCETHAT MADE ALLWHO LOVE HERLEAVE HER ALONE.i am a 28 year old pisces woman (of Blackfoot/Irish/German/Scottish/French Canadian descent) who was raised in New England and now lives in Toronto. i miss the ocean and the mountains, but i have a mild contentment with the city i live in. thankfully i live in a beautiful apartment right by the lake. it makes the city life a bit more bearable. i am not a huge fan of hordes of people. lots of people generally mean more drugs and violence. i am happiest when i am away from such things. however, Toronto has a lot to offer culturally, and that makes me happy.i moved here to be with the man i love. two months later, we were married! we've been married since March 2nd of 2005. each and every year gets better, and we fall even more in love with each other each and every day. my love life is nothing short of a fairy tale :)we have 4 furry kids - a beautiful female cat named Key Key and 2 gorgeous male cats named Rusty & Reilly. we also have an adorable black chinchilla named Ukariah. we plan on starting a family of our own in a few years time :)i attended college in Manchester, NH (SNHU) & Salem, MA (SSC); where i studied abnormal psychology, social deviancy, photography and environmental conservation. I am also quite knowledgeable in Animal Sciences, due to various jobs in the animal care field, as well as attending a vocational high school that specialized in Animal Sciences (Alvirne High School).my hobbies include photography (wild life/nature/urban exploration - especially abandoned insane asylums and haunted houses) and poetry. i also involve myself in environmental conservation and animal rights. i consider myself an amateur naturalist and an eco-pagan. i like to know what's going on in the world, which is probably why i prefer watching the news over other tv programs. or why i like to read non fiction over fiction. i also thoroughly enjoy listening to podcasts (specifically, Speaking Of Faith) that really take the time to present different ideas and philosophies. i am a firm believer that knowledge is power, so i involve myself in anything politically that i stand for.i enjoy being in nature. i am most happy taking nature walks with my husband. we have become very interested in learning about the local wild life here.we're firm supporters in protecting snow leopards and wolves. we also donate to as many organizations as we can regarding conservation, and help The Toronto Zoo with their Frog Watch and Turtle Tally programs.i am a very spiritual person. i consider myself to be Goddessian - one who believes in a Goddess & a God, rather then just one God - with more emphasis on the Goddess (basically, a matriarchal polytheistic belief, rather then a patriarchal monotheistic belief). this belief is STRONGLY interconnected with nature, as Gaia (the mother Goddess) IS the earth we live on. As far as certain deities i most affiliate and relate with, i would have to say the duality of the sisters Sekhmet and Bastet, Hecate, Persephone and Kali are the Goddesses i generally worship the most. i tend to relate to Crone Goddesses (specifically those that deal with death, fate, protection, wrath, etc.), more then Maiden or Mother archetypes. my beliefs are very eclectic, ranging from a vast array of polythestic religions. however, i am not a spiritual magpie - i fully research every avenue i come across. i am a practicing witch (mostly divinitory, some ritual & spellcraft - NOT WICCAN) and a follower of the belief that everything we do/say is interconnected and sacred. i do my best to bring only positive energy into the world. and i am very respectful of other's beliefs, as long as they don't condemn mine. you can read more about my faith in detail here.i have a strong affinity towards native cultures. i have advanced knowledge in the fields of astrology, eastern philosophy, totem medicine, demonology, cryptozoology, shamanism, mythology, paranormal psychology, reiki healing (human and animal), various types of divination, crystal healing and aromatherapy. i also firmly believe in faeries, as well as a few other supernatural things most people would scoff at.i am also a researcher of primal, tribal and taboo cultures, especially concerning funeral rites, feral children, cannibalism, blood and fire rituals and festivals of the dead. i am fascinated with abnormal psychology and the dark side of the human psyche, especially concerning murder and genocide. a few murderers i have done extensive research on are Josef Mengele, Albert Fish and Elizabeth Bathory.i am also a collector of art, books and films of the horror/macabre genre. i also love all things halloween related. i'm a bit of a spooky junkie, if you will.i keep my circle of friends very small. i generally don't like most people, as i have very high standards and expectations of people. i prefer to only be around morally sound people, happy people, people who have their shit together and don't carry their emotional baggage on their sleeves. i used to let a lot of things and people get me down, but i have adopted a more positive outlook on life and prefer to have similar minded people in my life. i dislike negativity and cruelty. and i push it away the second it presents itself in my life.i am not a snob by any means, i just know what i want in my life, and what i don't. life is so much easier this way :)i am an extremely open minded person. many of my family members are gay, including my father. i am also bisexual myself. i am a firm supporter of gay rights. I am happy to admit i founded the Gay-Straight Alliance at my local (very white, very Christian, and very close minded) high school. I am also pleased i live in a province, and city especially, that is so open minded and accepting of homosexuality.i consider myself quite liberal politically. when i am able to vote in Canada, i will belong to the NDP party. i am a firm supporter of human rights, and i dislike most conservative ideas and agendas.i am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i am also diagnosed with social and generalized anxiety disorder. i was heavily medicated when i was younger, which caused a lot of health and weight problems. i also attempted suicide when i was 23 years old. i have gone through a lot as a young child and teenager. i still have a long way to go regarding my mental illnesses, but i am dealing with it the best i can.i blog a lot, not so much in text form anymore - but with pictures and videos. most of my family and friends are back in New England, so this is the easiest way i can keep them up to date with what is going on in my life. and a lot is always going on! my husband i like to fill our week-ends with as much fun as we can fit in. :)basically, i am an all around strange girl.portfolio

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Sorrows Of The Moon

This is a text box which has a scrollbar enabled.As you add text longer than the box size the scrollbar will appear.Double click here to edit and add your own text.I have seen the movement of the sinews of the sky, and the blood coursing in the veins of the moon.© 1995-2010 Angelicque JamesThese poems cannot be used for any reason without permission from Angelicque James. poetry II

2004-1995

2004

2003

2002-1995

This is a text box which has a scrollbar enabled.As you add text longer than the box size the scrollbar will appear.Double click here to edit and add your own text.sweptit was like seeing the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life and having it suck the very life and breath out of your body so all you feel is broken apart and smashed all over the floor in the most unexplainable beautiful way imaginable...i hear those chords and close my eyes and suddenly i am on a forgotten abandoned beach somewhere in northern california, and there are big dark stones everywhere amongst the whitest sand, and the water is dark and gray, and the sky is filled with rolling clouds every shade of gray imaginable...and the air is stiff and cold, yet warm, and the rainfalls quietly and gently all around...and i walk into the water and lie down on the sand with my face to the sky and close my eyes...it was your arms, your eyes, your frown, your voice...all of it rolled together into one and swept me away...12-26-2003sheyou spend all those hours, all those moments wasted on attaining perfection, that one piece that will silence them all, that one fragment of your heart that you will lay bare for the world to see...and they will embrace you, they will love you and take you in and give you everything you need, for that one small price, for that one little piece left...and you will give it to them, for you have nothing left, nothing to offer...you will mask your fear, hate what you cannot be, silence your own voice and harbor every tear you cry...all for the sake of staying neutral, all for the sake of staying loved...you will keep lying, keep buttering them up to believe you, keep using and taking whatever you can get to make yourself feel better, keep feeding the masses all you can cook up to make yourself into someone they will adore...and if someone figures you out, make them into a monster, they will believe you, they have nothing better to believe in...you will do what you can to make him see...to make him notice...and everyone will notice, everyone will love you...except the one you want.find some strength, you're going to need it when it comes crashing down on you.12-9-2003rundo you remember the time, a few summers ago, when we were standing in that open field behind your house, watching the clouds roll in, waiting for the rain...we sat in silence, watching the sky, and the thought of how much i loved you was consuming me, so i started to run, arms outstretched, into the open field, yelling at the top of my lungs like a child...i stopped and turned around, you were walking towards me with that sly childish grin on your face...i turned and stared at the sky until you were standing next to me.i turned to you and looked into your eyes...the eyes that love me...your hair was beautifully disheveled and surrounding your face, your smile crept into my soul like it always does...i saw myself in your eyes, even if only for a second...the lightning lit up the sky, red, as it always did in late summer, and it shone in your eyes as you reached out for my hand...and as we looked up at the sky, waiting for the break that would cover us in rain, all i could think was...not even the heat lightning...could match the electricity between us...11-2-2003ghostssometimes i love the early morning hours...when the fog comes through my windows into my roomlike ghosts of the ones i used to know and loveall nameless and faceless nowbut in waves of echoes, they still exist here.10-10-2003hang upit was 12 days before you left me, we were on the phone, you were screaming at me, telling me that you loved me more than anyone you have ever known, but in the grand scheme of things, you loved me the least...hoping i would understand, and all i could do was cry, and rub the bruises you had given me the night before, as an act of your undying love...i heard a loud noise, your laughter, and your mother screaming...she said "what is wrong with you? what did you do? where did all this blood come from???"she just kept screaming and screaming, and you kept laughing and laughing, and i was dying inside, longing to hang up but knowing i never would...i heard you step outside, slamming the door, your mother crying on the front lawn...you walked away, lighting your cigarette...then you sighed and said "angel...""yeah?""i wish you could feel how i feel right now...""what's that?""magnificent..."trusti remember the time when i first saw you again, after months of you running from me, months of wondering where you were, how you were, if you had forgotten about me, if you ever cared in the first place...i ran into you, at a party, they were mostly your friends, but your best friend had taken me under her wing, felt bad for me, since she knew i loved you, and that you had abandoned me...just like all the other men in my life...i saw you and you smiled, came over to me and hugged me like nothing was wrong, and as much as i wanted to scream at you and smash in your face i kept silent, and smiled, and told you i missed you...you smiled and said "was i ever gone?"the party went on, you miles away from me, there were girls upon girls scowling at me and glaring, many of them were young girls, 16 or so, and if looks could kill, i'd be dead and gone...i felt uncomfortable, so i asked your best friend if she'd take me home, she pulled me outside and asked me why...i told her i felt unwelcome, and she laughed and said it was not true...so i asked her why those girls were glaring at me, she laughed again and then got quiet...she told me they were jealous, jealous because they all loved you, and that you loved me...i shook my head and told her no, there was no way you loved me, because you ran from me when you knew i loved you, and she told me yes, you did, and you didn't know why, and now you know, and you were ready to make things work...i understood, and i was angry...we went back inside to get my things to leave, and you took my arm and pulled me back outside, and asked me why i wanted to leave...i told you i felt unwelcome, that those girls were pissing me off...you said to ignore them...i said i can't, i wanted to go...and you got quiet and soft and asked me if i knew why they hated me...i lied and said no...and you told me you loved me..."they hate you...they hate you because they know...that i'm...in love with you..."in love with me?""yes.""but you went away...""i know...i'm sorry...""no, you're not.""angel, i love you so much..."and i told you off...i said no, you don't...that i loved you, i loved you with everything i had, and you took that from me and ran, you ran away and left me here alone...and as the weeks turned into months, the feelings died...THEY DIED.how could you ask me to love you? you abandoned me, and took off without a single care or thought of my feelings...how could i ever trust you? how could i believe you'd stay? where there is no trust, there is no love...no...i could never love you again...you looked down and started to cry...i went to touch you and you backed away...i tried again and you screamed "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!DON'T EVER TOUCH ME!!! I DON'T DESERVE YOU!!!"and you started to walk away, but i grabbed you, and you turned around and kissed me, a kiss to last a thousand kisses...i could taste the salt of your tear sand i started to cry...and we kissed for what felt like eternity, and when i thought i would explode i pulled away, i couldn't even open my eyes, i just pulled away...when i opened them, yours were still closed...and i turned to walk away and you grabbed my arm, i stopped, turned to look at you, and as our eyes met, the exchange between us was silent but understood...and i felt my heart die...and then i left you standing there...i went back inside and your best friend drove me home...as we were talking, i told her what happened, and she got real quiet and stiff..."angel...""what?""he cried?""yeah.""in all the years i have known him, i have never seen him cry...he doesn't cry...ever..."and we stopped talking...and as i looked out the window, i knew right then and there...that i will always love you...but i could never trust you, so i knew...i knew...when i woke up the next day, she told me you were gone.i never saw you again.9-26-2003neverIll never forget that time when we were driving home, we were in the backseat of your best friends carsilly of us to try to squeeze 8people into a 6 person carit was a little snug, but cozyyou were next to the window, and I was next to youwe were all a little wasted, but enough to still know reasoneveryone was laughing and talking, the music was loud, and my ears were ringingyou were silent, looking out the window, avoiding contact with anyone, as everyone was avoiding contact with youI looked at you once and then turned away, sad at the fact that my very best friend was afraid to talk to meThen I felt your hand over mine, I looked at you and you still refused to peel your eyes from the windowyour hand slowly grabbed onto mine and held it, tighter and tighter until you felt close enoughand for a few minutes, we stayed that way, your hand holding mine, in total silencenever once did you look at me, but I looked at you, and I could see your eyes tearing up, and I knew there was nothing I could do to comfort youThen your grip got softer as we turned onto your street, until your hand was only resting on mine, your thumb stroking my skinand as we pulled into your driveway, all at once you let go, opened the car door and got out, closing it in my face, recomposing yourself so no one saw you were upset...As you walked away, you turned once to look at me, and when I looked into your eyes, I knewand the pain of knowing washed over me so quick that I couldnt breatheI had to close my eyes, and when I looked back, there she was, walking out the door, wrapping her arms around you and kissing youand that familiar smile crept over your face, and you picked her up and whirled her around you, waved, and went insideAnd as we pulled away, I felt a piece of my heart ripped from me and scattered on your front lawnThe drunken girl next to me asked me if I was okay, and I lied to her and said yesshe said hes such a great guy, how come you and him never hooked up? and I just smiled and said with every ounce of regret in my voice I dont knowI just dont know9-17-2003the seaI remember the time we went to the beach, it was cold, and rainy, so I bundled up in your electric hellfire club sweatshirt, and it smelled like you, and that was enough to make me all warm and fuzzy inside even before I was in your arms...We sat on the sand by the edge of the sea and watched the sun go down...you held me in your arms, and we said nothing, as we often never needed...it started to rain, but only lightly, and as it got dark, I broke the silence, not to make a point, but only to hear your voice...I asked you what time you had to work tomorrow, something I cared about but was not necessary, and you just held on to me tighter and said you loved me...I felt your chin in the curve of my neck, your stubble was tickling me, so I giggled...and said nothing...We watched the waves break against the rocks, and all I could think to myself was, I am the rocks and you are the waves...breaking me down and eroding me into something beautiful and smooth and ageless...but what did I have to give you? The means to an end...the surface in a void...my darkness will only stifle your light...But aside from that, I thought this is what it feels like...to be so overwhelmingly happy that I was screaming inside...but yet, I could say nothing...I do not deserve you...you understood...and despite that, loved me anyway...9-16-2003losti had a dream that you were here, we were lying in bed, you were playing with my hair and telling me about this song that you heard on the radio, how it reminded you of me, and that you had to pull over on the highway so you could listen and cry...and i turned around and lay on top of you, looking into your already tired eyes, and i told you i'd love you for the rest of my life...and you smiled, and said there was nothing you wanted more...that this will never end...we will always be in love, bound to each other in ways that only others can dream about...that there will never be a day where you didn't love me...and then you pulled me under you and kissed me, you held me in your arms and you kissed me for what seemed like an eternity, until i felt the cold rush of rain from my window falling on my face like some forgotten memory...when you were still mine...and i lay in bed for hours before i finally found the strength to get up and face the day...alone...as i have always been since you left me here...if i have to go the rest of my life knowing you'll never love me again, i'll be alright, because you loved me once, a long time ago, and that memory will fill my dreams for the rest of my life...9-10-2003alwaysi remember this one time, we were sitting on the deck watching the warm summer sky fade to twilight, and we were in those big wicker chairs, the ones that loom over your head and close in around you, with big fluffy pillows...i was just sitting watching the stars and you were smoking your kamel reds and watching me, we were talking about nothing and everything at once, when you finally looked me in the eyes and said have something i have to tell you...i asked you what it was, and then you got all quiet and soft, and told me you were in love with me...i sat there speechless, not knowing what to say...all i could do was watch you look away from me to the floor....so i got up, walked over to you, sat down in your chair and wrapped myself around you...and as i rested my head on your shoulders, you kissed my forehead...i couldn't see, but i could hear you smile...and as i started to fall asleep in your arms, the last thing i said to you resounded in my head for all the days after that day...it was always you...was always you...9-8-2003don'ti remember this one time when we were standing out in the rain, he was calling out to me like he had something important to say, so i turned around and looked him in the eyes and asked him what was so important...he stuttered and stumbled for a bit before finally blurting out the words "do you have any idea how much i love you?"i smiled and said "yes."and then he smiled, breaking every bone in my body...then i turned and walked away from him..."you don't love me at all."8-22-2003nightmare IIIi was in my old house in rockland, where i grew up as a baby, and i was sitting on the kitchen floor, the house was the same but it seemed abandoned, until i heard this horrible cry coming from my old room...and there i was, myself at 2 years old, except i was horribly disfigured...all the skin from the neck down was burned, my face was fine except for my mouth, my mouth had been burned to the point where there was just little slits from where the skin had melted together...but i was screaming, and it was this horrible sound that ripped through me...she wouldn't stop screaming, i ran and hid in the bathroom and covered my ears, but she kept pounding on the door, still screaming...it got louder, so i went into the living room, and she was writhing on the floor clutching her stomach, and her mouth was starting to bleed...so finally i went in the kitchen and grabbed a knife, i held her down and cut the slits from her mouth, and suddenly blood started pouring from her face, all over me and all over the floor...and the scream turned into a noise that was making my ears bleed...so i just sat there watching her, completely helpless, as she screamed and cried in pain on the living room floor...finally after what seemed like hours, her face started to change, her eyes went red and her teeth started falling out...so i went into the kitchen, opened the gun drawer and aimed it at her as soon as she got up and started running towards me with her little fingers reaching out, some of which were starting to fall off...and she was smiling at me...i realized she was already dead and then aimed it at myself, i pulled the trigger and suddenly realized i wasn't myself, as i watched my own head fall apart...i realized this entire time, i was the child, and started giggling and poking at my own dead body...then i woke up, and then went into the bathroom and threw up for half an hour.8-21-2003failsometimes early in the morningwhen it's quiet and i am lying in bedi like to imagine i am somewhere safewith arms that need me around meand lips that love me kissing methat i am where i belongwith the one who can't live without mebut hope seems to fail me here...hope always fails me.sleepi remember this one time when we were lying in bed together, and i had my hand lay out on the skin over his heart...i could feel the pulse in my fingertips moving over his skin, and he started to laugh...this low husky giggle that shook his entire body...i looked over at him and he was smiling, his green eyes were sparkling and his long hair was in his face...he turned over to face me and never said a word, just smiled and stared...touched my hair, and touched my face...and all the while, whenever lost that loving smile...after a while, we lay back down again, my hand back in the same position, only now his hand was holding mine...and he sang me to sleep...7-10-2003fliesi can see the house, a few yards ahead of meit's white paint turning brown in the sun, it's broken windows glaring back at methe door half opened smiling at meand the smellthat find its way into my brainthey're all in there, you knowevery last one of themall wasted and brokenlike some bad dreambeaten and raped and cut wide opened, bludgeoned, mutilatedthey're all dead, every last one of themeveryone i have ever loved, lies dead in that housethe house in which i have witnessed hellit stands there in the open field, laughing at mereminding memocking mei watch it from the rope that won't let me diefrom the tree that won't let me livethe flies will find me sooni do not doubt thatthe flies will find me soon enough6-16-2003disasteryou came into my room a perfect disasteryour dark hair wet from the rainyour eyeliner smudged all over your faceyou step on a red crayon with your 3 sizes too big boots as you stepped through the doorway...you love those bootsthey have shiny bucklesyou always smile when you say bucklesa faint glow radiating from your faceyou crawl on top of meseparating my lips with your tongueputting my hands in your hairit covers my face as you kiss me for what seems like foreverand it's when those words escape from your lipsthat's when it hits methat broken crayons and shiny bucklesall the moments i spent with youare the only things in my life that really matter.6-11-2003clarityfor the one who doesn't deserve this.i remember when i once thought i had found home inside your armshow when i first looked into your eyes, i found myself there, and only thereand your words used to leave me broken apart and scattered all over the floor in mindless happinesshow your heart beating against mine was the most beautiful sound in the worldand the expression on your face still throws me back a few pacesback when i thought i was newback when i thought i loved youand the ghost of you still lingers herein all its unfairness my heart still breaks when i hear your nameand even though the atmosphere around me is constantly rottingtime knows no boundaries here, in my dreams you are minebut dreams are not reality, and in reality you decay as each day goes byand the memories start to fade, and the emotions start to go coldthere is nothing here but emptiness and disappointment nowand lost wishes and shattered dreamsof who i thought you were.6-2-2003goodbyeand it was the emptiness inside of me that was trying to break freebecause when you looked at methat dark and rainy night, outside of the carthe one last time i ever saw your facei cried the whole way homebrokenscaredalone and frightened by yourhonestyonly nowall the words all the lies all the false hopes and dreams came crashing around me, like bricks on my shaking faceand even now, in the silence of a perfectly ruined eveningi can feel myself dying all around mewaitingwatchingwhat will you do?will this be the end?could this be the end?sparks like fire drowned and doused in rainlove like hate ripped and taken from my heartand i will lie here, consumed with hate and writhing in lovewaiting for you todiesay goodbye.5-23-2003guilti want to break every bone in my body, just so i could have something significant to be in this much pain over.i wish my skin would crack all over and then fall apart right in front you of so you could finally see how much you make me feel like nothing.i wish i could die in your arms, so you could live forever with that image in your mind, so at least then i'd mean something in your miserable existence, even if only in guilt.4-12-2003parasitelast night i had a dream i was covered in parasiteseach one was beautiful and delicate in its own insect waysand as they sunk into me, i prayed that it would be quickplease let it be quickand even in death everything was still the samebeautiful yet brokenliving yet decayingloving yet dyingand when i woke up from this dreami felt the world changei could see the world unfold right above methe birds singingthe flowers growingthe people outside my window waking up from their dreamsloving, living, breathing...dying...and yet this rotting mound of flesh i have turned intostill manages to crack a smilebecause i know, in given timethey will be just like mei am not dead, not yetand i am not ice, just coldand this whole world has turned its back, looked awaybut still i stand, still i waituntil i crawl on alonethis is the gift i give to youthis is the nightmare that never endsthese are the wishes that go on ungrantedthis is the life that was over before it begani am what you want me to bei am what you made me to bei live only because you want me toi live because you can't live without me3-18-2003soul matei love you like i love the sky...she is never ending, always beautiful...always there....i love you like i love my skin...always warm, always wrapped around me, always holding me together...when i turn out the lights, when i lay myself down to sleep, when i close my eyes and dream about the life i've always wanted...you are there...you were always there...11-28-2004failurecracks in the chrysalis and memories fading to blackan early morning sky rips me in twowarm air and cool breezes seem invisible and longing for something to changechangeyet remain the samethere is no sadness in these tired bonesno love left in these empty eyesmy heart will grow cold and eventually die to youand the lies will become truths in its wakei will not walk, my legs wont seem to movei will not cry, my eyes have turned to stonei will not regret what i have said or done, for my wrongs don't make you rightand i will not take this shit anymorei will not mourn what i never really had.i have not failed youyou have failed me.11-20-2004how?she lowers her eyes and says good nightwaving goodbye as they drive out of sighthow could i...? nohow could you?she counts all her blessing and turns in for the nightsnow falling outsideeven her dreams are lieshow could you...? nohow could i?this night is never endingthese words are ever lastingthese scars remain on my skinand my name remains in your mindthat day will never leave methis life will never...how could we...?no.how could we not?11-12-2004childshe asked me what it felt likeand i said "let me show you"and there were instances in his smile, moments of resolution found in words yet unspoken, and time standing still for all the world to see, through my eyes, see everything...she looked at me and said nothingi held her hand for as long as she would let melittle girl, such a little girl...take on the worldshow them who you are, show them who WE arelove and live and love and live...say goodbye when you have to, but never live a lie like they want you toshe said "tell me...tell me why"and i just shook my head and closed my eyes"listen...just listen...the wind in whispering your name..."and all the world was quiet...and she listened to my heart sing...understand...understand why...live...and never die...love..."close your eyes...and when you open them...i will still be right beside you."11-2-2004nemesisopen your eyesthe plastic has worn thinyour world is coming to an endand you can't open your eyes long enough to kiss it goodbyethere are stars in the sky and stars in your eyes and stars in my hands and stars deep insideand they fall and fall and fall and fall and falllike splinters, we were, right?splinters just beneath the skinyet to hurtbut annoying all the samewhat you were, correct?it's all the samethe time is nowcry, love, not painopen up your ribcagei want to come out and playthis day will enda new day will dawnthe world will start to diebut life will be waitingjust not for you.you are afraid.you should be.10-31-2004fiendthey say "i love you"but they're screaming at merun away, run away run away run awaySHUT UP!!!SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!i gave my life to themi gave everything i had inside...to themand they lied and lied and lied and lied...there was a silence, at one timethey never existed before that pointand they don't exist now."shut up" she whisperedand they spoke no more.and she, who was once frozen standing still, started to dance...and dance and dance and dance...and smile...once again.10-24-2004shadowyou are a tool.an instrument.you cannot write the song, but it cannot be played without you.you are as important as the next, and as insignificantyou are alive, but you are dying.hold on to your dreams, for YOU are the sum of your fears.whether you win, or you lose...it's only as important as you want it to be.need is not want, want is not need.figure that out.the rest of your life is waiting for you.10-6-2004angelshe's got demons, yes it's truethe same demons where my heart beats youand she opened her heartdid you see her face?the girl that loves youripping me apartmade of glasswords caught and dead in my throattoo many pills, too many lieswhat happened? she died inside.fingernails breaking against skinarms reaching out for whats hurting withinshe looked into your eyes and finally realizedwhat was meant for me, will never be.crawl back insidewait for the chance to diethese words are a mistakeshe's yours to take.9-26-2004feari'm coming to the realization tonight that something has changedrearrangedresurfaced, reprogrammed, and recycled itselfit's terrifying, it's nerve racking, it's blindingand yet...here i standhere i ami AMthe child waiting to be born.i AMthe lover's first kissi AMthe dream without the sleep.i AMfear in motion.9-25-2004convictionstill and shallow watersshe's crying but you'll never hear hershe's trying but you'll never heal herkeep talkingand stay here foreverlie to me foreverand never ever leavedeep and darkened oceansshe's screaming but you cannot help hershe's dreaming but you cannot save herkeep quietturn from me foreverwalk away foreverand never ever returnthese convictions leave me stranded herebut life still goes on and on and on and on...9-6-2004realizationand if i said i want you, would you understand the needand if i said i need you, would you understand the greedso monumental in our occasions, the hunger fails to feedyou walk away, and i'll follow your lead...8-21-2004confusionplace your hand inside my heartthese scars will rot and fester and soreplace your fingers deep insideuntil each one opens and poursrip them all apartuntil i'm just a memorylook insideno reallylookwhat do you see?WHAT DID YOU SEE IN ME?8-17-2004epiphanyand there were thoughts that passed me bymemories in your smileemptiness in my eyesand despite them alldespite everything i have been throughspite asidelove's a liei hid inside, as i hide nowwhat i want to saywhat i should've doneall i'll ever beis nothingand all i'll ever needis you.8-6-2004memorythere are cracks within these wallsa little light shining throughi could look into your eyes forevergraze my skin against your skinholding fast to you and never...go.feel the warmth outside youscream the dream hiding withinit's in the minutes when you held methe seconds when i kissed youand hidden in my smilean absolution deep insideyour memory held within methis light will never die.8-3-2004californiai had a dream last night that i was driving down a forgotten road in california...rolling fields to one side of me, the endless ocean on the other...broken fences smiled at me...open road shined before me...leading nowhere...leading home...no familiarity reminding me, no leafless dead trees haunting my view, no empty eyes staring back at me, no expressionless faces hating me...cold wind killing me...just the water, the green grass, the swaying trees and the setting sun...all calling...all leading...home...3-21-2004wavesit was in the silence all around me, or maybe the smoke curling over my head, but every which way, everything i say, you're all around me. you're all around me you're all around meand when i looked away you were still there, i close my eyes, you're still inside meand in the darkness i heard the waves, only to wake and find myself theresand under my feet, stars over my head, and the sound, the crash, the rocks, everything fell out of my arms as i hit the groundand i screamed, i screamed over and over take it away take it away take it away, and all that answered were my own screams drowning in my throatyou were there you were there you were there, you never left, you were never really gone, were you?and now you're here, out there in the waves, and if i try i could reach you, but it seems that i am trapped forever here, watching waiting dyingand as i lay back down on the sand, the light of a million stars filled my eyes, and the sound of a million cries filled my ears, and the motions of your footsteps walking away from me filled my heart and soul, so that when the water rushed over me to take me away, i was already gone.2-26-2004stalethe fog was rolling in but she couldn't understand, couldn't look awayand billowing such willowing wisps that smoked and curled around her face and into her eyesit stings it stings can't turn around can't walk awaythis must be a dream, it must be a dream because i can't stand to stayand ad mist the abyss that surrounded her still, it was in her will that she found common ground to say what she needed to sayi love you i always have but i can't even speak your namei will leave you where i found you and in time walk awayits in moments like these, when the world is covered in rain and snow and black and whiteold coffee and stale cigarettes and a broken heart and forgotten dreamswhere one rights herselfwhere things right themselveswhen butterfly nets are taken off the shelf and memories kept in glass jars fall and shatter on the floorthis is the awakening from the dreamthis is a means to an endthis is the worst way, to say goodbye...12-17-2003phoenixi am screaming inside, can you see it in my eyes?i am trying to let go and let go and let go of your liesbut its been planted in my brainand it will flower and blossom until it breaks through the skin and cracks the skulluntil light is pouring from my veins and stars fall out of my eyesi will rise from your ashes.darealone. forgotten.eyes stare into silence and in darkness where words go to die.empty sentiment.hands gripping tiny throats of the hearts that rot and lie.inside. cold.dreams better left untold.smoke escaping cracked lips.that dare not speak your name.3-23-2004untitledand then the days go by without me therei stay a ghost in your mind for a few hours and then disappearyou hear my name and then stop, for one second, and then forget my voicegiven time, i will diebut only in your heart. only in your mind.3-23-2004girli am not the beautiful girl. i am not the girl who will cry and let you touch her. i will not speak words to you unless they are real. and true. i will not fall, only stumble. i will not allow myself to be happy, until you are safe. i will not walk away, i will run like hell. i will open my eyes, but i will see nothing. i will scream, but you will not hear me. i will hold out my arms, i will open my mouth to speak, but i will drown you in silence. i will sleep on the floor and sing myself to sleep. i will open my heart but refuse to bleed. i will trust without holding, love without knowing, try without lying, and live without dying. i am in constant flux. i am in constant fear. i die every minute, but am reborn every second. i will complicate you. you will leave. and everything will beasitshouldbe.3-7-2004emptyuse mestarve the body and starve the mindlie to me and tell me i'm what you've always wantedtouch me and tell me you can't let gofuck me, then leave me, walk away and never look behind youtell me, taste mebite my fingertips and bite my tongue and then laugh and smile and fall apartcall and breathe down the line whispering you want me when you're pretending i'm herit's in the words and sentiment and empty pictures and wordless lies and pretentious dribble and sadness and lost love and pretendingi lose myself in youi lose myself in what you are and what we could've beenand every night i give myself to you, to wake and let you use and abuse methe music and insanity and words and words and words are empty.2-27-2004suffer the bodylast night i woke up from a bad dream and had to crawl from my bed to the bathroom to throw up...i had to lie on my side on the cold tiles because i felt like i had a tube in my throat againit's amazing what goes through your head when you're lying on cold tiles and staring at white walls and porcelaini can't trust my heart because it wants what it can't have and i can't trust my mind because it reminds my heart what it wants and can't haveso i lie there, with knives in my back and knives in my heart and poisoning my brain, over analyzing and contemplating everything...and you truly open your eyes, and open your heart and brain, and all the negative energy falls out of you like oil or ghosts or time bombsand suddenly you're engulfed in fire, and it licks at your skin and burns your hair, until you are nothing but ash and smoke and dustand then everything is silent again, except the sound of your heart racing and your mind poundingand your eyes are stinging and dry and emptyand images race through your brain like snow on christmas morning, delicate and blindingand my hands found my throat, and for the one second it seemed like a good ideabut instead I got up and walked outside and sat in the 20 degree darkness, watching my breath and my hands shakefeeling every bone in my bodysuffer the body, right?teach it a lesson so it never lets you downor pretend you're someone else, someone anyone might lovebut its emptiness you fear...the solitude and sunlight, because it lets you down, it drowns you.but i am on my own here...in this place i am alone and forgotten, as i should bein these thoughts and these dreams i am haunted and huntedand all i have are my own fists to defend myselfbut rest assured, I will destroy you.2-24-2004mo(u)rning.remember the first time you learned how to play pachebel's canon on the piano, you came home that cold morning all smiles and roses...and we turned down all the lights and covered the shades, and you played for me by candlelight, and i remembered watching the shadows on your face, and thinking surely you were the most beautiful boy on earth...when you finished playing you sat still for a long time, staring at the keys, with this look upon your face that broke my heart, and when you finally met my eyes you smiled, and told me you loved me...and it was in that following kiss, that i found myself so completely lost that i felt like i was falling through layers and layers of clouds and stars and rain, only to fall down softly into your arms...and we made love for hours, holding each other and telling each other everything in our hearts...and i remember before falling asleep, looking out the window at the falling snow, and the cold wind crying against the windowpanes...i looked up at you and i smiled...and wrapped your arms tighter around me...always remembering...there was never another morning like this...never another morning like this...2-19-2004the ghost of youif i could just so tightly hold on to the ghost of you, maybe i can stay here, in suspension of time, lost in feelings long gone that rise and then fall all around me...it was in darkness, aside from that one street lamp, that i saw you standing there last, bundled in your winter clothes, smoking your brown cigarettes, smiling softly as the snow fell around you...it was when your hand reached for mine, and i found myself in your arms, lost and still losing to your smell and taste and touch...kisses were not meant to be like this, so beautiful that they scorch to the touch...love is not meant to feel this way, so perfect it hurts...this wasn't supposed to happen...and it never will again.1-2-2004nightmare IIi had that dream again...the one where i am riding down a highway...and everything is so very dark...as i am progressing down the road, i notice the stench. the smell of rotting meat.it smells so awful, but there is nothing to reveal where it is coming from. so i keep driving down the pitch black road.the yellow lines turn red.the whole road turns red.and i see it.the first dog.he is completely mangled. in the middle of the road. you can barely tell it was a dog before death.it was not hit by a car.someone butchered it...i keep driving, despite my retching stomach. the smell is all over me now. i know there is no way i could remove it from my car.suddenly there are more.dead dogs all over the highway. millions of them just like the first.except now i am finding limbs and heads and torsos.nothing is intact.just dead dogs, millions of dead dogs, all over the highway.i want to stop but i am afraid to pull over. i am afraid that whoever has done this to these dogs is out there, in the now viewable woods beside me.there is no escape. no place to turn around. nowhere to go.but forward...there is no road. my car is riding on top of bodies. corpses are staining my wheels. dead meat is coming up into my car. i can't even smell the stench anymore, it's become me.i am scared, and i have thrown up twice.but i will not stop.the sky starts to turn red. i am aware now that there are towers in the distance. huge towers with seemingly monstrous heads peering down at me. they are breathing smoke.smoke that smelled like death.burning flesh.there are hundreds in the distance. dragons breathing the smoke of death. invisible corpses in the distance writhing, screaming, burning.it was then that i saw them. they weren't dogs anymore.they were human...somewhere whole, some were not, the smell had changed from a sour rotting meat smell, to a sweet fresh blood stench. they have only been dead for a short time.on the faces still intact, you could see the fear. the silent screams etched on their face.pure terror.the towers were laughing now, spitting out new black smoke across the crimson sky.ashes fell like snow upon my car. it was then that i stopped.and got out of the car.my feet squished against decaying flesh. the sound was awful. the smell was new and rotten. the air was dense, and the black snow had covered me in seconds.the towers stopped laughing.and there i stood. the only living thing amongst a world of death.i turned around, and i saw black skies and dark road.i looked to the sides of me, and there was woods, dark mangled trees that i now notice had bodies strung from them as well. there were howls of pain all around me. coming from the trees.then i looked forward. it became silent.there stretched before me was a long winding road. strewn with corpses. some hanging, some impaled, some long dead, some still dying.and the road was stained red, with body parts just lying there in a sticky mess.there was no sound, not even wind. no movement. just dead silence.and i stood there. quiet. unmoved.this is truly the road to hell.how did i get here?what did i do to get here?where do i go?there is nowhere to go.so i walk on.completely silenced.completely calm.completely unaffected.i walk, covered in ashes, covered in tears.soaked with blood. drained of all emotion.fearless.damned."are you ashamed? are you afraid?of the gods and idols that you have made.do you think you'll be saved?from the gods and idols that you have made.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved.none will be saved."nightmare Iit seemed prophetic, me being there...i knew i was in salem, but it was not salem, at least not a part i'd seen before...i was with a bunch of kids, like a field trip, and i knew them all in this dream, but i know none of them in reality...so there we were, on this road, in what felt like november...it was cold, frosty, foggy...the streets were empty, overrun with dead leaves...and eerily quiet...we were looking for something, something we had been waiting for...something rare...and we were excited, really really excited...i ventured off a bit...walking down the street...happy to be alone...and then i saw it...along the abandoned road, a patch of land, a gate...what looked like a cemetery...the ground was covered with lush green grass, despite the cold, and the gate was covered in dead vines that looked like hands...and the sky was white, with a few gray clouds racing by...and the fog, was so thick...i had trouble seeing my way...and then it cleared, and i saw them...statues...tall white statues...angels...holding their faces, hovering in shame...hiding their eyes...they were all similar, they had long hair, beautiful wings folded behind them...long gowns...they were beautiful, made of the whitest stone i had ever seen...and i had to see them closer...so i went in.and then i heard them, they were crying...i could hear the soft sobs coming from the stone, though they never moved...and no matter where i turned, it was always the same, they always had their back to me, hiding their face...they weren't moving, but shifting, moving me, so i couldn't see them...i'd run in circles trying to see them, but they'd keep trucking back...i felt horrible, the noise they were making was unbearable, these long torturous moans of despair and pain...and all i could do was run around like an idiot, thinking i might save them...then i saw her...